Honeymoon's Over

Everything had been a little too easy in the first few weeks of working with the therapist, but now interesting stuff is coming up as I continue to work with her. Mostly annoyance and anger, which was something I hadn't really expected. Basically, I find myself getting really annoyed every time I have to make a choice about something I want because I know that having it all will make me too full or when I know that one of something is all I need to be satisfied but I really want two. The other day, after going out of my way to buy ingredients to make french toast, I got so annoyed at the idea that I would probably be satisfied by one slice, that I got in a snit when I burnt the first peace and tossed the lot rather than have to have just one piece. Weird.....

Also discovered last night just how soothing food actually can be. Didn't fully buy into that concept before (or rather, wasn't fully convinced I that I was soothing with food), but have been dealing with some stuff and really wanted some junk food yesterday. After brooding on it all day, then getting angry (can't believe I have to deal with this crap and I can't even have a *#$@^%! cheeseburger!), I finally said screw it and went out and got a value meal and a frosty at Wendy's. On the plus side, I did at least wait until I was actually hungry, and I actually didn't eat to the point of discomfort. That's progress of a sort. But the interesting part was actually feeling the difference in my mood when I was done eating. I guess after spending several weeks not soothing with food, I really noticed the effect when I finally gave in and did it! Well, awareness is progress, so I'll take this as a good thing.

Self-Hatred is a Sneaky Bastard

Last week’s People Magazine featured Portia de Rossi on the cover and excerpts from her new book where she discusses her battle with anorexia. Toward the end of the article, I came across this quote:

“I didn’t decide to become anorexic. It snuck up on me disguised as a healthy diet, a professional attitude. Every time I restricted my calorie intake I would binge immediately after. I lived my life from day to day by weighing myself, and measuring my success or failure solely on weight lost or gained – just as I had done from the time I was 12. I’d measured my accomplishments and my self-worth on that scale for my entire life.”

I may not be anorexic (far from it!), but I know what she's talking about. Like Ms. de Rossi, I didn’t intend to become so screwed up when it came to food. This battle with my weight has been motivated by a lot of different things. Sometimes it was about being liked or loved, sometimes about trying to feel beautiful, sometimes about being successful, and sometimes it was even about being “healthy.” It seemed harmless enough, and at times, even like something that I was doing to make my life better. But in my head, all of those things became contingent on fitting into what society says I should look like, contingent on the number on the size label in my pants. And all the while, the self-hatred was sneaking in. And every time I squeezed into an airline seat, or walked out of a store in the mall knowing that there wasn’t a thing in there that fit me, or read an article about how some celebrity was fat because they’d gained 20 pounds and were now a size 2 instead of a size 0, it planted another seed that told me that I wasn’t ok the way I am. And those seeds have taken root and grown until they’re out of control, like the weeds in the overgrown vacant lot in your neighborhood that lowers your property values and invites people from all over to dump their dirty old mattresses in the middle of the night.

I’ve got a lot of overgrown plants and dirty old mattresses piled up in my head. It’s going to take a lot of work to clean them out. But hey, you know, sometimes people take old vacant lots and turn them into beautiful parks and community gardens. So, I may have my doubts, but I have hope that it can be done with enough effort.

Progress = Therapy Honeymoon?

Despite very high levels of stress over the last two weeks, I've been doing quite well with eating. I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've eaten to the point of uncomfortable fullness. And, for the most part, I have only eaten when I was hungry. After feeling largely out of control over the last few months, I've felt very much in control for the last two weeks.

And somehow, that's kind of scary. Scary because it feels familiar. Because in the first couple weeks and occasionally even the first couple of months, I was almost always the model dieter. It was always so easy in those dieting honeymoon days. All the weighing and measuring and recording and what have you seemed effortless then. Until it didn't. And then I gradually started drifting back into old habits until I was right back to square one.

So, is this more of the same? Will I find myself, three months from today, complaining about how hard things are? Or will I be well on my way to IE success? I'm hoping it's the latter and not the former. But we'll see. For now, I'll just take pleasure in what's going well and not worry about what's coming tomorrow.

Your Stomach's Not Bigger Just Because You're REALLY Hungry

That should be obvious, right? And yet, amazingly, it wasn't. Not to me. This week, a long, exhausting day of work and a chain of events that was out of my control caused me to go too long without eating and ending up really hungry. No, we're talking REALLY hungry. I mean STAR - VING. Like, if you got between me and the food, I might have been forced to take you out, hungry.

And so, being tired and famished, I went out to eat and assumed it was fine for me to eat an entire bacon cheeseburger and serving of fries. I mean, I'm running on fumes. So surely a burger and fries would be the perfect amount to eat. Right?

Well, as I found out, the answer was wrong. Amazingly, I discovered that it really doesn't take that much more food to be satisfied when you're REALLY hungry than it does when you're merely just hungry. After wolfing down my burger and fries like I'd been lost in the woods for weeks, I could not believe how stuffed I was. Like uncomfortably full for hours! It was mind boggling. What's even more amazing to me is how many times in my life I've stuffed down not only a big old burger and fries, but also a huge soda, dessert, and sometimes even an appetizer, to boot. I'm starting to wonder if, aside from when I was dieting and starving myself, I've ever eaten a meal that wasn't way too large! No wonder I have a weight problem.

Well, I guess I'm glad for the realization. I think it's a sign of progress. Though, I have to admit that it's sort of annoying to recognize how little food it takes to be satisfied. Kind of seems like it will make eating out far less fun. But, then again, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable isn't all that much fun, if I'm honest. And I think that more often than not, that's the way the evening ends when I eat out. So, okay, it is a good thing.