Time To Get Busy, Folks

So, as I mentioned recently, I feel like I've settled into a nice balance. I'm not habitually overeating anymore, and I've been managing stress much better. My weight has been stable for a couple of months now and I feel like I'm eating normally, though not necessarily intuitively. But I'm calm and I feel pretty happy and that's awesome.

But, here's the thing. I don't want to be *too* happy. Well, that's not exactly correct. I want to be super happy, but I don't want to be so happy that I get complacent and stop doing the work I need to do. I still have a ways to go to be a true intutive eater and while I think I'd probably be just fine to hang out here for a while and catch my breath, so to speak, I don't want it to become a situation where five years from now, I've gotten so comfortable that I'm in the exact same place and have made no progress. Because at the end of the day, my goal is not just to normalize my eating, but it is still to lose weight. So, while I'm perfectly fine with a slow process, even one that moves at a snail's pace, staying the same indefinitely is not acceptable to me.

I don't think I'm doing as much emotional eating as I was, but I know that my portions are often still too big and that I don't always wait until I'm truly hungry to eat (particularly when I'm working and more more likely to eat when "it's time" as opposed to when my body needs food). And I still need to get better about being active. I've scaled back on my training sessions and I'm definitely not interested in engaging in activities that I dread and that leave me exhausted (which training does, but I see the benefits, so I do want to do it once a week). But I want to find that "joyful" activity that I keep hearing about. I have to say that I'm skeptical that it exists for me. In my 44 years on this planet, there has *never* been an athletic activity that I truly looked forward to doing. I just think I'm not that person. But there are things I don't hate or dread, and so I'm looking for those activities and trying to find some time to fit it into my jam packed schedule so that it doesn't feel like another obligation at the end of an already exhausting day.

So these are the challenges and I feel like I need to gear up and get busy and start working on them (at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me) and not allow myself to get too lazy. I've started working with a nutritionist who partners with my therapist; my first session with her was yesterday. I think the work with my therapist has been great for getting my head into the right place, but I'm hoping that the nutritionist is going to help me hone in on the actual work of the eating and the activity and get those to where I need them to be. And I further hope that by working with them both, together, it will be the right combination to keep it from being another diet that leads me back to where I started.

So, there you go. Time to suit up and go. I'm ready.

Who'da Thunk It?

Since I'm not dieting anymore, I try not to focus obsessively on calories, like I used to. But I do still check labels since I do believe that if you like two foods equally and one is either healthier or has fewer calories, there's no reason not to go with it.

Now, I enjoy my coffee and my typical is a plain brew with a bit of half and half and sugar from my local bagel place. But now and then, a girl needs something a bit more exciting. Well, the other day, I was at my local Starbucks and looked up at the menu board. Since California has passed a law requiring restaurants to disclose the calorie counts of their foods, I happened to note that my drink of choice when I'm in the mood for one of those froofy coffee beverages, a grande white chocolate mocha, had just under 500 calories. About what I expected.

But here was the surprise, the same size caramel macchiato had about half the calories! Who knew? I would have guessed they were the same. I asked the barista why there was such a big difference and she said that the syrup used for the white chocolate mocha was much richer than the vanilla syrup used in the caramel macchiato, and the grande uses 8 (!) pumps of it. Add the whipped cream, which is flavored with the same vanilla syrup used in the drinks, and you've racked up quite the calorie count. The macchiato, on the other hand, uses less of the of the more simple vanilla syrup, has no whipped cream and only a bit of caramel sauce on top. Very interesting. Now, I'm not going to give up my white mochas. But I'll probably downsize to a tall rather than a grande and have them only once in a while. I enjoy caramel macchiatos just as much, so there's no reason not to have a new regular.

I should say, however, that I do take these calorie counts with a grain of salt. During the same trip, I also couldn't help noticing that a petite vanilla scone was listed as having 140 calories. Now, the petite vanilla scone was one of my favorite little sinful treats in my dieting days and as a calorie counter, I had checked out the Starbuck's website, where it had been listed as having only 90 calories. (I can't tell you my blood type, but the calories of pastries, *that* I know!! LOL). Odd that those little scones are no bigger than they used to be, but somehow now magically have 50 more calories? Did it ever really have only 90 calories? WTF? Really, you just can't take any of that information as gospel. At best, I think it's a rough approximation of the actual calories. All the more reason to rely on your body's signals to tell you what you need and how much, rather than some external factor, that's probably not even accurate anyway. Lesson learned.

Settling Into Balance

Seven and a half months have passed since I started this IE journey and I feel like I'm settling into a nice balance. Food is becoming something that is not so emotionally charged anymore. I don't agonize over every little thing that goes into my mouth. I don't feel guilt because I had a cheeseburger and fries instead of a salad with fat free dressing on the side. I'm not binging to deal with my emotions. I feel like I'm just eating and not giving it much thought. I think this is incredible progress over where I was just a few short months ago.

Does that mean everything is perfect? Of course not. I know I still eat larger portions than I should at most meals. But they're not massive, and I am rarely stuffed. Again, progress. I'm still drinking more of my calories than I'd like (Damn you, demon Coca-Cola! Why must you be so tasty?) I still have trouble stopping when something tastes good. And I still have days where I pass a mirror and cringe a little at my reflection.

But you know what? I feel calm. I have not felt this calm in many many years of dieting. And I like that. Of course I hope that the dial will start moving down some day soon. But for now, it's stable, and I can live with that. I'm happy to just work on myself. I could do a lot better with self care. I still have to figure out how the heck to balance my insane job and more of a normal outside life. And I need to work on my self-esteem. And I think that's where I need to keep my focus. Because I know that more than anything, these are at the heart of my eating.

So, not exactly what I envisioned when I started IE. Guess in the back of my mind, I thought it'd be easier. Thought I'd be laughing at the scale and slipping into smaller sizes by now. But that's okay. I'm not where I planned on being, but I'm liking where I am. And I'll take that.

The "Fuck It" Diet

I wish I could remember who, in my Yahoo Group, shared this link, but I can't. So, if you're reading my blog, I apologize for stealing your awesome idea, but thank you, eternally, for sharing it.

The name of this post, borrowed from this post from Margaret Cho's blog, pretty much says it all. If you've ever seen any of Margaret's comedy specials on cable, you have a pretty good idea what to expect. If you don't, just be prepared for lots of, shall we say, colorful expression. But if you can get past the expletives (I can. Personally, I love a good expletive; it's cathartic!), you'll see that what she's really talking about is intuitive eating in her own hysterical way. I haven't read a lot of her blog, but from the few posts I've scanned and the comedy specials I've seen, it's clear that she's no stranger to food and body issues. So she knows where of she speaks. And I respect that. And I respect that she's voiced, far better than I ever could, the insanity that is dieting and the joy that comes from just saying "fuck it!" and getting on with your life.

I'm not quite as evolved as she is on the subject, but I sure hope to get there soon. You go girl!