Settling Into Balance

Seven and a half months have passed since I started this IE journey and I feel like I'm settling into a nice balance. Food is becoming something that is not so emotionally charged anymore. I don't agonize over every little thing that goes into my mouth. I don't feel guilt because I had a cheeseburger and fries instead of a salad with fat free dressing on the side. I'm not binging to deal with my emotions. I feel like I'm just eating and not giving it much thought. I think this is incredible progress over where I was just a few short months ago.

Does that mean everything is perfect? Of course not. I know I still eat larger portions than I should at most meals. But they're not massive, and I am rarely stuffed. Again, progress. I'm still drinking more of my calories than I'd like (Damn you, demon Coca-Cola! Why must you be so tasty?) I still have trouble stopping when something tastes good. And I still have days where I pass a mirror and cringe a little at my reflection.

But you know what? I feel calm. I have not felt this calm in many many years of dieting. And I like that. Of course I hope that the dial will start moving down some day soon. But for now, it's stable, and I can live with that. I'm happy to just work on myself. I could do a lot better with self care. I still have to figure out how the heck to balance my insane job and more of a normal outside life. And I need to work on my self-esteem. And I think that's where I need to keep my focus. Because I know that more than anything, these are at the heart of my eating.

So, not exactly what I envisioned when I started IE. Guess in the back of my mind, I thought it'd be easier. Thought I'd be laughing at the scale and slipping into smaller sizes by now. But that's okay. I'm not where I planned on being, but I'm liking where I am. And I'll take that.