At What Point Is the Stress Too Much?

A highly stressful job plays a huge role in many of the challenges I face, including eating and weight. There are many many things about my job that leave me completely depleted in more ways than one at the end of a crazy week. A highly demanding and perfectionist boss, inflexible deadlines that must be met no matter what, insane workloads, long hours, and frequent travel, are just a few. At the end of many days, even though I know it would make me feel better, the idea of exercising and cooking a healthy meal is the absolute last thing I care about. Collapsing in a coma on the sofa with whatever is easy and just tuning out the world is all I can manage. Unfortunately, that's not so good for either my health or my lacking social life.

But, there are also a lot of positives about my job. As a management group, we are very supportive of each other. We laugh all the time, though it's often in a if you don't laugh you'll cry sort of way. But still, there's a real camaraderie between us that helps you get out of bed each day. I'm well paid for what I do and I have excellent benefits, much better than I've seen at many other companies. And in very uncertain economic times, though there's no such thing as a sure thing, I've got about as close to job security as a person can have. Having grown up in a household where financial security was non-existent, this is probably one of the key drivers for me. I don't need to be wealthy. I don't need to show off with fancy clothes or cars or big houses, but I need to know where my next paycheck is coming from. I need to have enough money in the bank so that if my car breaks down, I don't have to worry about how it's going to get fixed. I need to have enough for the occasional splurge, like a massage or a pedicure. I need to not be afraid to answer the phone or open the mail because it might be another bill collector. I need that more than I need just about anything else because there's no safety net. No spouse that can take care of things for a while, no parents or grandparents that can help out if I get in a bind. No one can look out for me, but me. So I can't let my guard down for a second. This job affords me that financial security that is SO important to me and for that I am very grateful.

But, I do find myself asking more and more in recent years at what point I should say enough is enough. When is the stress of this lifestyle no longer worth the price? That I don't know. Because true, money's not everything, but good health insurance and not having to angst over every nickel and dime is pretty close to everything for me. Because I've been there and I'm not going back. If I could figure out a way to have the security this job brings without the stress, I'd be there in a heart beat. I just can't figure that out right now. And, there are changes coming about in my company over the next year that may well result in tremendous changes for me. Too early to know whether those changes will be for the better or for the worse, but I'm hanging in there to see what happens.

What I really need to do in the meantime is just figure out how to manage stress that's not going to go away anytime soon. Sure, there are things like yoga, and meditation, and eating better and taking good care of myself, blah blah blah. But seriously, there just aren't enough hours in the day. I don't know how to fit it all in. The pace also makes it really hard to be mindful when I eat, and that has been a struggle, too. Because sometimes I do actually think about it and I'm too exhausted to care. Other times, I realize days have gone by and I haven't given the slightest thought to what or how I've eaten. I've just been on autopilot.

In the grand scheme of things, these are not bad problems to have. I'm not losing my house to foreclosure, I haven't lost my job, I don't have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, I'm not trapped beneath the rubble of a devastating earthquake, I'm not dodging bullets or car bombs. There are so many things in the world that are worse than having a well-paying but stressful job. I really have no right to complain. Still, I need to learn how to manage things. Because there's no point in having so many blessings if you can't even enjoy them.

September's Gonna Be a Busy One

Real life is taking over somewhat this month. Hectic hectic hectic time at work. Managing personnel issues amongst my staff (all I will say about this is the things you learn about people when you manage them! I'd be better off not knowing these things!), plus we are being audited at the end of the month and my bonus this year depends on us getting a good result. So needless to say, I'm putting in some long hours these days. Well, longer than usual, and that's saying something for a workaholic!

From an IE standpoint, the hardest part is just trying to focus on it at all. It's SO easy to just let the events of the day take over and to find that another day has come to an end and I haven't spent even a moment thinking about IE! On the plus side, I'm not eating excessively. Well, not excessively in the sense that I'm bingeing or eating tons of junk food or snacking incessantly. I seem to be pretty much sticking to the three squares these days (sometimes two). But each meal is still bigger than it should be. But I'm just trying to get through the month these days and fit in some of my reading when I can and not obsess about shoulds and shouldn'ts. Will continue to post as I can. Hopefully you'll bear with me!

On an unrelated note, here's my realization for August: I don't like fresh figs. Dried figs? Good. Fresh figs? Bleh. It's not a flavor thing; it's a texture thing. Shame, really, because they're awfully pretty. But I just can't do 'em. But that's a fresh realization courtesy of my fabulous local farmers market. Only wish I'd realized it before I shelled out $6 for a pint of local, organic figs, most of which, unfortunately, ended up in the bin. Oh, well. Live and learn.

August Update: A Roller Coaster and A Light Bulb

A challenging month this time. Have been up and down and all around the roller coaster. Days of feeling inexplicably great followed by several weeks of feeling not so great. Have been resistant to working the steps. Not particularly wanting to either journal or even question whether I’m hungry, let alone satisfied when eating. After work, have been chomping down on crunchy snacks with a vengeance, and I don’t doubt there’s some significance in that choice of foods. Work (without a doubt one of the biggest pressures in my life) has been a challenge in many ways that are probably best not to go into in too much detail. But the one thing I can fairly safely say is that it and has, without question, been a major contributor to my generally foul mood over the last couple of weeks. But the long and short of it is that work can trigger intense feelings of failure in me that end up turning into a doorway to brooding over everything in my life that isn’t what I want it to be. Not fun. To top it off, I’m up four pounds from when I started IE. Argh.

But while reading Christie’s great book club discussion on Chapter 3 of Women, Food and God over at Honoring Health, I had something of a revelation. I’m not sure that all of it was new, but pieces came together with a crystal clarity that I’m not sure I’d experienced before. In the discussion of this chapter of the book, which deals with bolting to avoid having to feel your feelings, Christie asked two questions that resonated with me, first was “what emotions are you afraid of feeling,” and second was “did your childhood or parents play a role in how you feel about using your voice now?” In pondering these, I realized that there are times that I feel profoundly lonely and that I hadn’t really been willing to face or feel that before. And the major factor in that loneliness is the lack of people in my life from childhood to this very day that are open to me expressing or sharing my feelings. As a result, I’ve become very reluctant to be open with others because I have experienced so much disappointment in this area.

There’s more to the story, here, but I’ve rambled on enough for tonight, so I’ll expand on this on another day. But I think that the realization is progress and I’ll take that. And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t say my mood is back to 100%, but I am feeling better than I was. So I’ll take that, too.