A challenging month this time. Have been up and down and all around the roller coaster. Days of feeling inexplicably great followed by several weeks of feeling not so great. Have been resistant to working the steps. Not particularly wanting to either journal or even question whether I’m hungry, let alone satisfied when eating. After work, have been chomping down on crunchy snacks with a vengeance, and I don’t doubt there’s some significance in that choice of foods. Work (without a doubt one of the biggest pressures in my life) has been a challenge in many ways that are probably best not to go into in too much detail. But the one thing I can fairly safely say is that it and has, without question, been a major contributor to my generally foul mood over the last couple of weeks. But the long and short of it is that work can trigger intense feelings of failure in me that end up turning into a doorway to brooding over everything in my life that isn’t what I want it to be. Not fun. To top it off, I’m up four pounds from when I started IE. Argh.
But while reading Christie’s great book club discussion on Chapter 3 of Women, Food and God over at Honoring Health, I had something of a revelation. I’m not sure that all of it was new, but pieces came together with a crystal clarity that I’m not sure I’d experienced before. In the discussion of this chapter of the book, which deals with bolting to avoid having to feel your feelings, Christie asked two questions that resonated with me, first was “what emotions are you afraid of feeling,” and second was “did your childhood or parents play a role in how you feel about using your voice now?” In pondering these, I realized that there are times that I feel profoundly lonely and that I hadn’t really been willing to face or feel that before. And the major factor in that loneliness is the lack of people in my life from childhood to this very day that are open to me expressing or sharing my feelings. As a result, I’ve become very reluctant to be open with others because I have experienced so much disappointment in this area.There’s more to the story, here, but I’ve rambled on enough for tonight, so I’ll expand on this on another day. But I think that the realization is progress and I’ll take that. And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t say my mood is back to 100%, but I am feeling better than I was. So I’ll take that, too.
Hi, Josie,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like this roller coaster month has been one that gave you incredible insights. Caroline Knapp in the last chapter of her book "Appetites" describes the achingly slow progress of recovering from an eating disorder, and how dense she herself (a brilliant woman, I would add) was to her therapist's suggestions for changes that would move her along. Reading this made me feel less desperate to "get this right" because I came to realize that getting things right is one of my "issues," and getting to just ok is a huge project for anyone seeking change. Hang in there. You'll get to a better place if you just keep doing what you're doing, even just enduring the months when you feel resistant.
Thanks for your words of support, Laurie. >:o)
ReplyDeleteI have found that sometimes the toughest times in my life have been the ones where I've learned the most about myself. And what I've learned in those rough spots has given me the power to move forward and reach a better place. A blessing in disguise! :)
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