God Bless You, Lane Bryant; I Hate You.

Let’s be clear from the start. Were it not for Lane Bryant, I probably would have spent the better part of the last twenty years looking even worse than I usually do, or god forbid, walking around naked. I have to give LB some props for being one of the few retailers that even dares to cater to the plus-size market. Though I have never, ever, understood why, if 60% of the population is overweight or obese, so few retailers sell clothes that fit us. In a capitalist system, it seems like a no-brainer, like a cash cow that no one has bothered to milk. Seriously, if that statistic is correct, then why is it that when I go to the mall, there are, at best, only three or four stores that stock anything I can wear? It doesn’t make sense! But okay, whatever, let’s move on,

Back to LB. So, I give LB props for serving an incredibly underserved market. They’ve got to be raking in cash hand over foot. I’ve rarely met a fellow plus-size gal that didn’t shop there regularly. And bless their hearts, they do seem to try. They try to latch on to whatever the current trends are make their own plus-size versions. And they do try to keep things relatively affordable. Those are all good things.

But here’s why I hate them.

The fit sucks. Seriously, in over twenty years, I think I can count the number of pants I've bought at LB that fit me properly on the fingers of one hand. They’re almost always too short and I’m sick of walking around looking like I’m waiting for a flood. I mean, thanks for realizing that not all big girls are under 5' 6" and starting to offer some of the pants in different lengths, but why so few? You’ve recognized there’s a market for tall, plus-size pants. Do you really think that we big and tall girls only need three different styles of those pants? Why is it so hard to make all your pants in different lengths? Then there are the ones that gape around the waist, showing off my undies. Again, you made an effort with the dress slacks that come in different cuts for those that are more or less curvy, and that’s great, but why only a couple of styles? Why? Shirts are a little better, but I find that many are either uncomfortably and unflatteringly snug or so loose they look sloppy. And what's the deal with the sleeves on your oxford shirts? Why do the cuffs never reach my wrists? Maybe it's me. Maybe I have freakishly long arms and no one's ever had the heart to tell me. Who knows?

There are all different body shapes, I know, even for skinny women. And not every brand fits every person. I get that. But here’s the difference. If the clothes at one retailer don’t fit my size 4 friends, they can go into any of a couple hundred other retailers in the mall and try again and they’re probably going to find something cute that fits their shape. For us big girls, if the styles at one store don’t fit you, you’ll be lucky if you have two other places you can try in an entire mall. And if there are other options, chances are, they cater to an entirely different market. No suits at LB that fit you? Well, try Nordstrom’s, if you want to spend three to four times the price and look like your grandmother or Torrid if you’re a little more cost conscious, but don’t mind looking like a 15 year-old club kid. Sure, I suppose I should get stuff tailored to fit, but man, tailoring is expensive!! Kind of defeats the purpose of buying affordable clothes if I have to turn around and pay $40+ to a seamstress to make them fit. In some instances, the alterations are more than the cost of the actual item! May as well just buy higher end clothes.

Then there’s the quality. I appreciate you trying to make the clothes affordable, but it’s rare that anything I buy at LB doesn’t start breaking down and looking frumpy and worn within a couple of months, no matter how well I care for them. And what’s the deal with the sweaters? Why do they always shrink even when they’re washed in cold water with Woolite and never see the inside of a drier? After a couple of washings, inevitably, I’ve got a belly sweater with ¾ sleeves! (And let’s not even talk about the faded, fuzzing fabrics) Not attractive, LB. Not attractive. Maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist, but is this just a ploy to get us to shop more often? Or are the clothes really that cheaply constructed? And why don’t the clothes my thin friends buy at comparably priced chains seem to wear out as quickly?

And finally, there are the styles. I know you’re trying. I do. You’re trying to make big girl versions of the hottest trends. But really, why must everything look like circus print mumus? Believe it or not, not every fat woman wants crazy bold patterns, billowing, oversized shirts, big ruffles, and jewelry with beads the size of golf balls. Not every fat girl wants to have a “bold” style. Some of us just want the same sort of timeless classics that our thin sisters can find at stores like Banana Republic or Ann Taylor or J. Crew (all of which leave you SOL if you’re larger than a size 14 or 16). Whatever happened to simple classics? Tasteful slacks in wools, tweeds, cottons and linens. The basic, all purpose white button-down shirts that can be dressed up or down. Solid colored sweaters, both pullovers and cardigans, in high quality wools that are tempting to touch. Blazers that actually fit and don’t make me look like a huge, shapeless box. Yeah, I like to mix it up with the occasional bold piece, don’t get me wrong. But my style (and this would be the case whether I was a size 20 or a size 2) is much more classic, quiet, simple, and above all, well-made. And there’s a real shortage of that in the plus-size world.

All, right, I’m beating up on LB, but only because they’re the most obvious offender. I mean, at least they are an actual store that isn’t afraid to say they cater to big girls. Heck, there are a number of retailers that do offer plus-size clothes, but not in their actual stores, as if having fat people on the premises is bad business (Yeah, I’m talking to YOU, Gap, Old Navy, and J. Jill. And the rest of you know who you are!) Truth is, I could lodge these complaints against just about any of the plus-size retailers, regardless of how much I spend on the item. No matter where I go, I always get the feeling that the retailers think that we should be grateful they make anything we can wear at all, so I should just shut up and be grateful for what I can get.

But you do yourselves a disservice, LB and friends. Because yes, you do get me to spend money in your stores. After all, it’s not like I have that many options. But imagine how much more I would spend if you actually consistently put out a quality product. But because I’m busy, and I pretty much hate having to go through the agony of shopping and ending up with stuff that feels like sloppy leftovers, I do it as infrequently as humanly possible. But I love fashion, or at least I used to before it abandoned me, and I’d buy so much more if someone would actually put out a quality product that actually fit me and that didn’t cost a fortune, look like a costume, look like it came from a thrift shop, or fall apart after three wears. There’s a seriously untapped market here, why in the world won’t someone step in and fill it? And how's a girl supposed to learn to love her body as it is in order to facilitate her intuitive eating, if she can't find a decent outfit to wear that makes her feel like she actually looks presentable?