I Feel Fat

I know that among the IE experts, saying that you feel fat is somewhat verboten, because fat is not an emotion. Not something you are capable of feeling. Rather, it's a sign of whatever else is really the issue, they say, whether that's low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, or whatever. And I will admit that sometimes - maybe even most of the time - when I say I feel fat, it's not about weight at all. It's about everything but the number on the scale. But today, that's not the case. And today, I'm going to disagree with the experts. Because today I feel fat. What does that mean? Well, it means that I feel:

• Bloated
• Slow
• Lethargic
• Completely out of shape
• Like my colon hasn't seen a lick of fiber or a food that wasn't highly processed, deep fried, fat or sugar-filled in weeks
• That my clothes are becoming tighter
• That I get winded when I climb the stairs

In short, I feel fat means that I feel as if I have gained weight and lost a significant amount of conditioning. Whether I am the most accomplished, well-adjusted, self-confident person on the planet, that's real. That's valid. And that's where I am these days.

It's to be expected after the month I've had, really. If you've read Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch and read the descriptions of the types of eaters, you could completely delete the section on the Chaotic Unconscious Eater and just put a picture of me there. So, I'm not surprised. It's just annoying to feel so out of control, and to feel the effects in my body so keenly.

The good news, though, is that with a less chaotic schedule, I feel like I'm getting back on track. Had sessions with my personal trainer this week for the first time in weeks. Thought I was going to cry because I was so exhausted and out of shape, but I survived. Today, was the first time that I actually felt like I was starting to reconnect with eating in response to hunger and eating nutritious foods my body actually wants, instead of the easy stuff that makes me feel so awful. So, I feel like I'm back on the right path, and that hopefully the next couple of months will stay calm enough to allow me to make some of these behaviors a bit more habitual. So, that's positive. But I don't care what the experts say, today I believe that you can FEEL fat. Because I do.