That's All Folks. Visit Me In My New Digs.

This blog is officially ended. Thanks for stopping by. But this doesn't have to be the end. Visit me at my new blog.

Stay Tuned for More Info on My New Blog

After taking some time to recover from the work-related drama (I'm doing much better, thanks!), I've decided that an IE blog is a bit too narrowly focused. Just as I'm a lot more than the number on the scale, I have way more interests than just talking about IE all the time. After all, part of my goal with IE is to stop obsessing about my weight in a way that keeps me from living my life. So, in that same vein, I'd rather talk about food more broadly and make IE a part of that discussion. So, I'll be starting a new blog soon, with that goal in mind. Stay tuned for more info and I hope to see you there!

It's Official - The Camel's Back is Broken

Won't bore with details, but let's just say that I've reached my limit with my job. It's been a hellish month and it's not ending any time soon. It's just not worth it. Life's WAY too short. And I'll never get my eating under control as long as I'm dealing with this. But even if it wasn't impacting my eating, it'd still be too much. I'm done. I'm beyond toast. Am now actively seeking a new job. Don't know how long that will take, but just having made the decision makes me feel better. Which I think is a good sign that it's the right decision. Let's just hope I find something sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, not sure when my current project nightmare will be over. When it is, I'll try to make a new post.

And Up From the Ground Com'a Bubblin' Crude...

Oh, how I wish this title meant I'd struck oil while gardening in my backyard. Instead, it refers to the gusher of heretofore unexpressed and completely unexpected emotion that came gushing out this week like the bubblin' crude that sprang from the earth when Jed Clampett was shootin' at some food.

No need for details, but let's just say it was a bad week. A very bad week. The kind of week that left me spontaneously bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. And this from someone who has never been a crier and would have been hard pressed to tell you the last time she shed a tear. But the dam was breeched this week in fairly spectacular fashion. I suspect I might have been better off if I'd been crying a bit more often in recent years. But on the bright side, I definitely made sure I was getting my money's worth out of my therapist and nutritionist this week.

In terms of food, there was another bright side that my therapist helped me see, which is this. My "bad" food weeks are not nearly so bad as they used to be. What normally might have left me saying fuck it and stuffing my face with Whoppers until I was in a stupor and too numb to lift myself from the sofa, this time manifested itself in eating slighly past full at most meals and polishing off a half a bag of mini Heath Bars over the course of the entire week. That's pretty good progress, actually.

I've still got a long way to go. And we're stepping back a bit in my IE work and focusing more on the feelings that I would have sworn I wasn't, but am still clearly pushing down with food. The ones that bubbled to the surface, slapped me in the face, and demanded to be taken seriously. It doesn't feel good and I'm definitely not liking this. I don't like the idea of being a drama queen, but I think I fit that description this week. Actually, at points I would have been happy to feel only like a drama queen and not like a complete basket case. But this is leading somewhere and it's clearly somewhere I need to go. So let's suit up and get going.

How Do Intuitive Eaters Grocery Shop?

Oddly, I find it increasingly difficult to grocery shop now that I'm trying to eat more intuitively. Often, I can't, for the life of me figure out what I want to eat. Sometimes, stuff looks good at the store and I bring it home, then I don't want it and end up tossing it. Equally as frustrating is that I often find that items are too large. I buy something I want, but there's too much of it. Before, I would have eaten it just to use it up. Now, I know that unless I eat the same thing three times per day, I'm going to end up tossing stuff. And that annoys me.

I'm struggling with this aspect of IE these days. The obvious solution is to freeze more items, but that presents its own challenges. I'm not a terribly picky eater in terms of ingredients, but food textures are an entirely different matter. Freezing changes the textures of food and there are a lot of items that I just won't eat after they've been frozen. But the other side of the coin is that when I do use frozen foods and I come home starving, often it takes too long to get them from freezer to table and I resort to what's easiest, which is a bowl of cereal or a piece of toast, or a handful of nuts. These often don't satisfy me and I end up trolling for snacks all night long.

I don't know what the answer is to all this. I'm still trying to find my own personal solutions. Something that allows me to have just the right foods on hand when I need them and doesn't result in so much waste. Foods that are nutritious and satisfying but don't require too much effort to prepare after a long day at work. Right now it seems that short of getting a personal chef (not possible unless I win the lottery some time soon), this isn't going to happen. But I'm hanging in there and I know I'll get there. Still, I'm continually amazed at how something that really should be second nature to us can be so darn difficult.

Lessons From the Spend Less, Eat Better Project

I'll freely admit that the spend less eat better project has gone by the wayside for a while. But the reason is that while yes, it is entirely possible to eat very well on a limited budget, it takes a lot of effort and planning and herein lies the first lesson. When you have an option, exhaustion wins over healthy and budget conscious eating every time.

It's easy to judge people who habitually eat junk. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes. Often it's a matter of not knowing how to cook. Too many people don't know how these days, and many don't have the slightest desire to learn how (I have a friend that falls into this category and I must say, it makes me crazy!). But I know how to cook and it's something I actually enjoy doing, so that's not an obstacle for me. For me, it's that theme that we keep coming back to, balance. When I'm working late and I reach that certain level of exhaustion that it takes a while to recover from, honestly, there are evenings when taking five minutes to nuke something feels like too much effort. Even when I take extra time on the weekend to clean and prep as much as possible so that all I have to do is toss it in a pan and cook it, that can still seem like too much. And yes, I know I could cook things and freeze them, but there are a lot of foods that I just don't care for frozen. And cooking a week's worth of food on the weekend takes the better part of a day, which is that much less time I have to try to rest and recuperate for the week to come.

And so, I have a much better understanding of and empathy for those that resort to fast food out of convenience. It's a god awful habit, to be sure, and we suffer the consequences. And yes, sometimes it doesn't even take less time than fixing something. I know that I could saute a piece of chicken and some veggies in less than a half an hour if things are ready to go. But there are an awful lot of times when its easier to drive to my local fast food emporium and sit passively in my car at the drive-through waiting for my burger for 15 minutes (hey, at least it's a few minutes of calm and peace and quiet in my day!) than it is to cook and have to clean up the mess later. I hate to say that. I *really* do. But it's true.

That's not to say that I've become a fast food junkie, but I will admit that my shopping cart at the market this week was almost exclusively convenience foods. It's been busy and I feel awfully tired. I knew, when I couldn't even begin to come up with ideas for what to make for dinner this week so I could prepare a shopping list, that it was a sign that I shouldn't be trying to cook. Because it would end up like too many weeks have, recently, with a lot of fresh food that has turned into a science experiment getting dumped into the trash, untouched, on trash day. I hate spending more than I should have to for food that doesn't taste nearly as good as I could make myself, but when the alternative is a Big Mac,large fry, and a coke, it's money well spent.

I work pretty darn hard, but so do a lot of people. I'm at least lucky that I have the option to spend the extra money to buy convenience foods that are somewhat healthier than the standard fare (god bless you, Whole Foods!); a lot of people don't have that option. I can now totally appreciate how just getting enough decent tasting food into your body to make it to the next day trumps all the messages we hear about health. I think it's awful. And I wish, like crazy, that there was an easy answer to making healthy eating both easy, affordable, and as convenient as going through the drive through. But I get it. Going forward, I plan to really give some thought to solutions that will work for me, because I'm not ready to give up. But I don't think anyone should underestimate that challenge. I know I won't. Not anymore.

Time To Get Busy, Folks

So, as I mentioned recently, I feel like I've settled into a nice balance. I'm not habitually overeating anymore, and I've been managing stress much better. My weight has been stable for a couple of months now and I feel like I'm eating normally, though not necessarily intuitively. But I'm calm and I feel pretty happy and that's awesome.

But, here's the thing. I don't want to be *too* happy. Well, that's not exactly correct. I want to be super happy, but I don't want to be so happy that I get complacent and stop doing the work I need to do. I still have a ways to go to be a true intutive eater and while I think I'd probably be just fine to hang out here for a while and catch my breath, so to speak, I don't want it to become a situation where five years from now, I've gotten so comfortable that I'm in the exact same place and have made no progress. Because at the end of the day, my goal is not just to normalize my eating, but it is still to lose weight. So, while I'm perfectly fine with a slow process, even one that moves at a snail's pace, staying the same indefinitely is not acceptable to me.

I don't think I'm doing as much emotional eating as I was, but I know that my portions are often still too big and that I don't always wait until I'm truly hungry to eat (particularly when I'm working and more more likely to eat when "it's time" as opposed to when my body needs food). And I still need to get better about being active. I've scaled back on my training sessions and I'm definitely not interested in engaging in activities that I dread and that leave me exhausted (which training does, but I see the benefits, so I do want to do it once a week). But I want to find that "joyful" activity that I keep hearing about. I have to say that I'm skeptical that it exists for me. In my 44 years on this planet, there has *never* been an athletic activity that I truly looked forward to doing. I just think I'm not that person. But there are things I don't hate or dread, and so I'm looking for those activities and trying to find some time to fit it into my jam packed schedule so that it doesn't feel like another obligation at the end of an already exhausting day.

So these are the challenges and I feel like I need to gear up and get busy and start working on them (at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me) and not allow myself to get too lazy. I've started working with a nutritionist who partners with my therapist; my first session with her was yesterday. I think the work with my therapist has been great for getting my head into the right place, but I'm hoping that the nutritionist is going to help me hone in on the actual work of the eating and the activity and get those to where I need them to be. And I further hope that by working with them both, together, it will be the right combination to keep it from being another diet that leads me back to where I started.

So, there you go. Time to suit up and go. I'm ready.

Who'da Thunk It?

Since I'm not dieting anymore, I try not to focus obsessively on calories, like I used to. But I do still check labels since I do believe that if you like two foods equally and one is either healthier or has fewer calories, there's no reason not to go with it.

Now, I enjoy my coffee and my typical is a plain brew with a bit of half and half and sugar from my local bagel place. But now and then, a girl needs something a bit more exciting. Well, the other day, I was at my local Starbucks and looked up at the menu board. Since California has passed a law requiring restaurants to disclose the calorie counts of their foods, I happened to note that my drink of choice when I'm in the mood for one of those froofy coffee beverages, a grande white chocolate mocha, had just under 500 calories. About what I expected.

But here was the surprise, the same size caramel macchiato had about half the calories! Who knew? I would have guessed they were the same. I asked the barista why there was such a big difference and she said that the syrup used for the white chocolate mocha was much richer than the vanilla syrup used in the caramel macchiato, and the grande uses 8 (!) pumps of it. Add the whipped cream, which is flavored with the same vanilla syrup used in the drinks, and you've racked up quite the calorie count. The macchiato, on the other hand, uses less of the of the more simple vanilla syrup, has no whipped cream and only a bit of caramel sauce on top. Very interesting. Now, I'm not going to give up my white mochas. But I'll probably downsize to a tall rather than a grande and have them only once in a while. I enjoy caramel macchiatos just as much, so there's no reason not to have a new regular.

I should say, however, that I do take these calorie counts with a grain of salt. During the same trip, I also couldn't help noticing that a petite vanilla scone was listed as having 140 calories. Now, the petite vanilla scone was one of my favorite little sinful treats in my dieting days and as a calorie counter, I had checked out the Starbuck's website, where it had been listed as having only 90 calories. (I can't tell you my blood type, but the calories of pastries, *that* I know!! LOL). Odd that those little scones are no bigger than they used to be, but somehow now magically have 50 more calories? Did it ever really have only 90 calories? WTF? Really, you just can't take any of that information as gospel. At best, I think it's a rough approximation of the actual calories. All the more reason to rely on your body's signals to tell you what you need and how much, rather than some external factor, that's probably not even accurate anyway. Lesson learned.

Settling Into Balance

Seven and a half months have passed since I started this IE journey and I feel like I'm settling into a nice balance. Food is becoming something that is not so emotionally charged anymore. I don't agonize over every little thing that goes into my mouth. I don't feel guilt because I had a cheeseburger and fries instead of a salad with fat free dressing on the side. I'm not binging to deal with my emotions. I feel like I'm just eating and not giving it much thought. I think this is incredible progress over where I was just a few short months ago.

Does that mean everything is perfect? Of course not. I know I still eat larger portions than I should at most meals. But they're not massive, and I am rarely stuffed. Again, progress. I'm still drinking more of my calories than I'd like (Damn you, demon Coca-Cola! Why must you be so tasty?) I still have trouble stopping when something tastes good. And I still have days where I pass a mirror and cringe a little at my reflection.

But you know what? I feel calm. I have not felt this calm in many many years of dieting. And I like that. Of course I hope that the dial will start moving down some day soon. But for now, it's stable, and I can live with that. I'm happy to just work on myself. I could do a lot better with self care. I still have to figure out how the heck to balance my insane job and more of a normal outside life. And I need to work on my self-esteem. And I think that's where I need to keep my focus. Because I know that more than anything, these are at the heart of my eating.

So, not exactly what I envisioned when I started IE. Guess in the back of my mind, I thought it'd be easier. Thought I'd be laughing at the scale and slipping into smaller sizes by now. But that's okay. I'm not where I planned on being, but I'm liking where I am. And I'll take that.

The "Fuck It" Diet

I wish I could remember who, in my Yahoo Group, shared this link, but I can't. So, if you're reading my blog, I apologize for stealing your awesome idea, but thank you, eternally, for sharing it.

The name of this post, borrowed from this post from Margaret Cho's blog, pretty much says it all. If you've ever seen any of Margaret's comedy specials on cable, you have a pretty good idea what to expect. If you don't, just be prepared for lots of, shall we say, colorful expression. But if you can get past the expletives (I can. Personally, I love a good expletive; it's cathartic!), you'll see that what she's really talking about is intuitive eating in her own hysterical way. I haven't read a lot of her blog, but from the few posts I've scanned and the comedy specials I've seen, it's clear that she's no stranger to food and body issues. So she knows where of she speaks. And I respect that. And I respect that she's voiced, far better than I ever could, the insanity that is dieting and the joy that comes from just saying "fuck it!" and getting on with your life.

I'm not quite as evolved as she is on the subject, but I sure hope to get there soon. You go girl!

Hara Hachi Bu

If you do any reading about healthy diets and lifestyles, you're bound to come across something hailing the people of Okinawa, Japan. They live long and amazingly healthy lives. Living to be 100 and still being healthy and active is fairly routine. Also, as an interesting aside, breast cancer is so rare that women do not have routine mammograms. They don't need them!

Many factors play into these statistics. Genes, I'm sure, are part. But the lifestyle is also a major contributor. Healthy diet, lots of veggies, active lifestyle, and strong, supportive communities are important elements that all of us can emulate. One principle the Okinawans follow, however, that has recently been driven home to me is Hara Hachi Bu, or "eat until you are eight parts full." Or, in other words, stop stuffing yourself.

Of course, we all know that we shouldn't be stuffing ourselves, but it does raise the question, what *is* full? It's something that I have struggled with in my time practicing IE and that I have worked on with my therapist. I have made progress in this area and thought I had finally hit on what full means. Then I started the spend less, eat more project and a funny thing happened. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I began to realize that I needed far less to be satisfied than I thought.

How did this come about? Well, I was eating smaller portions, not because it was a diet or because I was *supposed* to for IE, but because when spending less money, I had to make the meals last the week and that meant eating smaller servings so I could have leftovers for a subsequent meal. At first, when finishing meals, I'd often feel a bit panicky. Like I was still a bit hungry and hadn't had enough to eat and I was certain I would soon be starving. But for some reason, although it was a little worrisome, it was less emotionally charged for me than it might have been if I was doing it in connection with a diet or even IE. This was my own project after all, and I could stop it whenever I wanted. Then, I started to realize that after 30 minutes or so, I felt fine and I usually continued to feel fine for several hours until my next planned meal. Turned out, that what I thought couldn't possibly be enough, was in fact, just right. Unconsciously, I was practicing Hara Hachi Bu!

But this isn't news, right? I mean, we all know that portions are too big and we should be eating less. Every diet on the planet tells you that! But, it turns out that even what I thought was a small portion was often more than I needed. And the difference this time is that because I stumbled onto it in my own way, by experimenting without pressuring or judging myself and listening to what my body was telling me, and not because I was too fat and was adhering to some restrictive plan, it felt natural. That has never happened before. In the past, sure, I could have gone to McDonald's and ordered a cheeseburger instead of a quarter pounder with cheese, but it felt like a punishment. I *really* wanted that quarter pounder with cheese, but I didn't deserve to have what I wanted. That was the penance for being fat. But through my IE work and my spend less, eat better project, I'm naturally coming to a place where I'm realizing that I don't have to punish myself. I *can* have the quarter pounder with cheese if I want it, but you know what? I don't want it so often anymore. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm just fine with a small cheeseburger. How weird is that??

Was this just a fluke? I don't think so. This week, while traveling for business and facing restaurant meals for the first time in a while, I had a meal that, in the past, would not have seemed that big to me. But at the end, not only was I uncomfortably full, I ended up with a stomach ache! Wow! Seems like my body is adjusting and I'm starting to really get tuned in to this IE stuff. Mind blowing.

Hara Hachi Bu. Those Okinawans are on to something!

Do Something Good For Your Soul Today

The spend less, eat better project is on hold this week since I'll be going out of town tomorrow on business, but cooking is still on my mind. Took another cooking class today. This one on quick weeknight dinners to make from your pantry. I made a pasta dish with brussels sprouts and shallots. Truth be told, I'm not really a brussels sprouts fan, but I like to challenge myself during these classes to make and try dishes that I'd never do on my own. Can't say that I loved the dish (I think that brussels sprouts will never be a favorite), but it wasn't awful. And there were plenty of other great dishes there that I know I'll be cooking soon.

I'm not sure what to make of the fact that I enjoy cooking so much. Can't decide whether it's odd or just too cliche for someone who has had a tortured relationship with food and their body almost all their life. But I'm going to take it as a good thing. Cooking makes me happy. I do believe it's good for my soul and I need to make time to do it more often. And, really, I think that getting more in touch with this passion will be great for me, overall. Not only from the standpoint of doing stuff I enjoy, but also from the standpoint of eating better, higher quality foods that I make myself. That's intuitive living and I'll take that.

The Spend Less, Eat Better Project

The challenge? The name says it all, really. But how much less, is less? Well, a quick perusal of my bank statements tells me that I spend, on average, about $100 per week on groceries. Add another $60, give or take, when you consider my daily bagel and coffee every morning and workday lunch at any of a dozen places near my office. That’s a lot of money. And really, I don’t eat that well, at least not most of the time. Not recently, anyway. But I know that I can with a bit of effort. And now I’m feeling like making that effort. So, the new goal is to spend half of what I normally do on groceries, while still maintaining my values of purchasing organic and/or locally made products whenever possible. Dining out will be reduced to the bare minimum, meaning special occasions, when traveling for work, or when it’s really just not convenient to haul my lunch around, such as on a day when I’m working mostly with clients out of the office.

Can it be done? Well, I’ve actually been doing it for four weeks now and the answer is yes, but it does take planning and work. No more blindly tossing stuff into carts without paying attention to the price. No more convenience foods. No more frozen dinners. This requires getting back to basics. Actual cooking. It requires getting up a bit earlier so I can eat at home instead of stopping for a bagel and coffee on the way to work. It requires brown bagging it instead of checking out the daily special in the cafeteria. It hasn’t exactly been easy, but there have been rewards.

Reward number one: extra money in the bank. Every week I stick to plan, I will put the difference between what I’ve spent and what I would have normally spent into the bank. For the first four weeks, that added up to $500! (which is a little misleading because I relied quite a bit on a pantry that I hadn’t realized was as well stocked as it was, so I was actually spending less than $30 each week instead of the planned $50.). At whatever point I decide to end this little project – and I have no idea when that will be – I should have a nice little nest egg in the bank to treat myself to something special.

But here’s the interesting reward number two. Doing this for the last four weeks has had an interesting impact on my IE practice; it has fine-tuned my appetite. I’m realizing that I need far less to be satisfied than I realized. That’s something I hadn’t expected at all. It was just an interesting side effect that I noted about three weeks into this. I had been struggling so much with this and I feel like my brain came up with this interesting challenge as a way to help me get IE concepts without it being so emotionally charged. And that’s fricken’ awesome! Now, I still struggle with leaving food on my plate and I think that still might take a while to get, but I feel like this is a big step for me, all while enjoying the challenge of eating better and cooking. It’s a win-win and it’s fun! How could I ask for more?

Spend Less, Eat Better?

I’ve decided to challenge myself to see how little I can spend on food each week and still eat well. The inspiration for this decision had absolutely nothing to do with IE, but it has had some interesting side effects on my IE practice. But more on that later and first to what I’m sure is the primary question, which is why?

As I’ve stated before, I consider myself something of a foodie. I know it’s not for everyone (nor do I think everyone should follow my philosophy), but personally, I think it’s better for my health, my body, and the planet to eat organic and local, whenever possible. Michael Pollan is my hero. Although I stray as much as the next person, I believe it’s better to eat whole grains and plenty of produce. I think that, as good as it sometimes tastes, American fast food culture is a contributor to many of the health issues we face in this nation. I think high fructose corn syrup is poison. I really do. And those beliefs don’t have anything to do with wanting to be thinner.

But an odd thing happened when I started IE. I stopped wanting to eat healthfully and started wanting to eat whatever junk I could shove into my mouth. Well, that’s not exactly true. My logical brain wanted to eat healthfully, but my lizard brain would have none of it. If it was junk, I wanted it. Cooking? God forbid. Couldn’t bear the thought of it. I think that because those foods were always so forbidden on my diets, they were all I could think of. Combine that with a case of severe overwork, leaving me far too exhausted to cook, and fast food, prepared food, snack foods – whatever was quick, easy, and tasty – were my best friends for six months. But finally getting some R&R in December got me back to the place where I was ready to start doing some cooking again. And the desire for junk also started to wane. And then a couple of things inspired me to commence this challenge.

First, some time ago, I came across a blog called the 1940’s Experiment. Written by an English woman who was also a 1940’s buff, it was her attempt to lose 100 pounds by sticking to a diet of what she would have gotten as rations during World War II. I was intrigued by the blog, not as a method of dieting, of course, because I was already over diets by the time I found it, but because one of the cornerstones of her philosophy, as I understood it, was that people ate more healthfully back then because they were forced to eat less processed foods. That, I agree with.

More recently, I came across a blog called Not Eating Out in New York, which is in no way a diet blog, but rather, which chronicle’s one New Yorker’s attempt to stop eating out completely, and cook at home. I didn’t want to stop eating out completely, but I did want to cook more and eat out far less than I do.

But the straw that tipped the scales was two articles I read on the website Salon.com. One was about how Bill Clinton had gone vegan and was now the best advertisement for the diet there could be, since he had been so well known for his bad diet before. The basic theme was that if the guy who was famous for chowing down on McDonald’s while he was in the White House could go vegan, anyone could do it. The other article was by one of the website’s regular columnists about how she had drastically changed her diet by following the advice of famous food columnist and cookbook author, Mark Bittman, and essentially going vegan most of the day, except for at dinner. The basic theme was that if she could do it in her rough and tumble New York neighborhood, that it was a sign to her that healthy eating and ingredients that previously had only been available at health food or gourmet stores were becoming more commonplace and more widely available.

Now, I have respect for the vegan lifestyle, but it’s not for me. So I’m not trying to be vegan, or even vegetarian; I’m just trying to eat better. And I believe that I can with a modicum of effort. So, it wasn’t as if these articles were some sort of revelation to me. Rather, it was the reader comments that spurred me to action. Basically, they were of the sort that I have seen repeatedly in many other forums when similar topics arose, namely, that it was impossible to eat healthfully if you didn’t have a fortune to spend at Whole Foods and either a personal chef to cook for you, or a spouse that earns enough to allow you to stay home so you can spend all day in the kitchen. This theory, I soundly reject. I think it takes planning, and something that the vast majority of people seem to be unwilling to do these days, which is cooking, and it does take some time, yes, but not as much as people think, I believe. But the question was whether I was willing to put my money where my mouth was (literally). So, I figured I needed to put up or shut up, and therein my challenge was born. I would challenge myself to see how well I could eat on an extremely modest budget each week.

How’s it been going? It’s definitely challenging, but not really too bad, actually. At least not so far. And I’ll tell you more about that in days to come, including about the interesting impact on my IE practice.

Just Wondering...

When I was a child, I wished I was a teenager. When I was in grade school, I wished I was in high school. When I was a teenager, I wished I was in my 20s. When I was in high school, I wished I was in college. When I was 21, I wished I was 25. When I was in college, I wished I could graduate and get a "real job." When I got my first job, I wished I had a "more important" position with better pay. When I had a "more important" position with better pay, I wished I had a position with less responsibilities and stress (but the same pay! LOL). When I lived in the MidWest, I wished I could be on the West Coast. When I lived in an apartment, I wished I owned a house. When I bought a house, I wished I wasn't so tied down. When I hit my 40s, I wished I could have the carefree days of my youth back. When I was a size 12, I thought I was fat and wished with all my heart that I could be a size 8. Now that I'm a size 20, I'd give anything to be a size 12 again.

Dreams are good. Desires are good. They help you accomplish things. I wouldn't now live in a city I love if I hadn't had the dream of living in California. I wouldn't have a good paying job if I hadn't always pushed myself to get to that next level. But I have lived all my life wishing that I was something other than what I was at any given moment. I have always known that if only [insert current dream of choice here] could happen, *then* I could finally be happy. But then there's always something else. Always something else that I need to do or be or accomplish, before that happiness can finally arrive.

What do you suppose would happen if I decided to be happy *exactly* as I am right at this moment? What if I decided that I could be happy with a stressful job, and student loan debt, and less than six months worth of income in the bank in case of emergency, and a house that is worth less than I paid for it, and grey hair, and "friends" that are too busy to return my calls, and a size 20 ass? What would that be like? How would I feel? What kinds of things would I do? What kinds of things would I not do? How would my life change? Just wondering....

Lunchbag Addiction

For someone who rarely brownbags it, I've got an awful lot of lunch bags. I'm perpetually in search of the perfect bag. Maybe I think the right bag will inspire to me bring my lunch more often. Maybe I think the right bag will make my lunch for me! Whatever the case, this adorable little number at right is lunchbag number six!

I came across it by accident while shopping at Costco a few weeks back. It's from Rachel Ray. She's not necessarily my favorite person on the planet (a little bit of that excessive perkiness goes a loooooong way IMHO), but I have to give her kudos on this. It's big enough to hold everything I need and then some but not so big that I feel like I'm hauling my entire refrigerator with me. Plus, it's attractive. It doesn't scream lunchbag. It just looks like a regular old bag that could be anything. Don't know why that's important to me, but it is.

And while I can't give full credit to the bag itself, I have, actually been bringing my lunch since returning to work in the new year. The break did wonders for me and I'm finally inspired to cook more and I'd like to get back to some healthier eating. So toting my goodies in this cute little bag has been great. Plus, I'm finding that it's actually easier to eat intuitively when I'm doing my own cooking. I think the higher quality of the food makes it easier to feel fuller sooner. And since I'm not serving myself the monster portions I'd get in a restaurant, I'm not having to do battle with the temptation of stopping with a load of food still on my plate. That's a demon I'll still have to confront, but no sense in making things more difficult for myself than I have to right now. One thing at a time.

Yes, I'm a Californian Now

It's official. I've crossed over. There's no going back now. I'm a true Californian. In addition to meditating, my therapist is a big fan of affirmations. If for no other reason, because they make you feel good. And hey, who doesn't want to feel good? I know I do!

Well, she recommended to me that I watch a video by Louise Hay and during the video, they kept showing a card with an affirmation on it and I found myself drawn to the image. As it turned out, you can buy that card. It's from a deck called Power Thought Cards, which contain 64 different affirmation cards on various subjects, and you can buy them just about anywhere.

I've read about and come up with affirmations before. Don't know whether they would have made a difference or not because, for the most part, I often promptly forgot about them and didn't put them to use. I like that I now have something very concrete and appealing to keep them in the forefront of my mind. I don't know whether affirmations will help me or not, but I know they can't hurt so I'm willing to give them a try. But I also find these cards very pretty. The images make me smile and if a $20 purchase makes me happy, then it's worth it for no other reason than that. I've already gotten my money's worth.

Quiet Mind? Hardly!

I am a massive failure at meditation. Though, to be fair, I can’t say that I’ve worked all that hard at mastering it. Once a year, or so, I give it a try, maybe two. But every time I try, my brain literally starts racing out of control and it frustrates me so much that I take it as a sign that mediation just isn’t for me and throw in the towel.

My therapist is a little new age-y, which doesn’t bother me (I do live in California, after all!). So she recommends a version of meditation that she calls quiet mind. It involves envisioning a running stream and every time an unwanted thought invades, you picture putting the thought on a leaf and putting it in the water and watching it rush away downstream. I’m not much of a nature person, but I do love the water, so I like that imagery.

I’ve tried the quiet mind exercise a couple of times now, and so far, the results are pretty much in line with the historical precedent. My mind is anything but quiet. It leaps and races about in complete non-sequiturs that often leave me baffled as to how I got from one thought to another and what the possible connection could be that led me there. And it’s still pretty frustrating, but I’m going to give meditation another try this year, and make it a real fighting chance this time. Given that calm and balance is a big key for me in getting and keeping my eating under control, I’ve got to try every tool in the arsenal to stay on an even keel. Because my brain doesn’t need any encouragement at all to have me stewing over every worst case scenario or real or imagined slight or aggravation until the only thing that makes me feel better is a super-sized value meal, topped off with some cake.

And perhaps as a bit of synchronicity, it just so happens that this month’s issue of Yoga Journal magazine has an article on how to deal with the racing thoughts that are apparently very common among meditators, even the most accomplished among them. If nothing else, it’s comforting to know that this is a really common problem. And hopefully, I’m going to get some good tips that help me achieve “quiet mind.” Because after two weeks of vacation, I’m feeling pretty good right now. And before work gets back to its usual level of chaos, I’d like to get some tools under my belt that help me manage that stress much better than I have in the past. So, quiet mind, get ready, because here I come.

2011 - The Year of Possibilities

Yes, I’m back, friends. Sorry for the long absence. Thanks for sticking with me. A crazy schedule at work, combined with the usual hectic nature of the holidays, resulted in me being completely fried by mid December. By the time vacation finally came around, I found myself needing to completely disconnect, not just from my virtual world, but from the real one, as well. Now, after a couple of weeks of lying low, I’m finally starting to feel myself again and am raring to get blogging.

Work with the therapist has been going well. She has a really positive outlook, which a natural pessimist like me can use. She says I’m so close to really getting the whole intuitive eating thing. I wish I felt close – some days I think I’ll never get there – but it’s good to hear that from her. Actually, I do have glimpses of what it can be like. When my life is calm, I can see it. When I have the time to be rested, to engage in activities I like, to cook, or in other words, to do things that are just good for my soul, my eating is SO much more intuitive. And so, not like this is any sort of revelation or anything, but I’ve got to do whatever I can to make my life more balanced in the new year. Not just so that I can wear smaller pants, but also so that I can improve the overall quality of my life.

So, what of the New Year? Well, I’m not making any resolutions, if that’s what you were thinking. I don’t believe in them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a vision of what I want the year to be like. Which is why I’ve declared this the year of possibilities. I want to just open myself to the possibility that:

• I can be an intuitive eater if I keep working on it
• I can get to a place where eating is not so emotionally charged and the answer to whatever is bothering me isn’t stuffing it down with food
• My life can be more balanced
• Movement can be joyful and something that I actually want to do
• Connecting with others can be easier
• I can learn to consistently treat myself well in the ways that really matter

How are all these things going to happen? Well, that’s the part I haven’t quite figured out yet, but I think I’ll get there. For now, I’m just putting it out to the universe and I’ll keep working on it in the meantime. And I think that’s pretty good for January 1^st.