Honeymoon's Over

Everything had been a little too easy in the first few weeks of working with the therapist, but now interesting stuff is coming up as I continue to work with her. Mostly annoyance and anger, which was something I hadn't really expected. Basically, I find myself getting really annoyed every time I have to make a choice about something I want because I know that having it all will make me too full or when I know that one of something is all I need to be satisfied but I really want two. The other day, after going out of my way to buy ingredients to make french toast, I got so annoyed at the idea that I would probably be satisfied by one slice, that I got in a snit when I burnt the first peace and tossed the lot rather than have to have just one piece. Weird.....

Also discovered last night just how soothing food actually can be. Didn't fully buy into that concept before (or rather, wasn't fully convinced I that I was soothing with food), but have been dealing with some stuff and really wanted some junk food yesterday. After brooding on it all day, then getting angry (can't believe I have to deal with this crap and I can't even have a *#$@^%! cheeseburger!), I finally said screw it and went out and got a value meal and a frosty at Wendy's. On the plus side, I did at least wait until I was actually hungry, and I actually didn't eat to the point of discomfort. That's progress of a sort. But the interesting part was actually feeling the difference in my mood when I was done eating. I guess after spending several weeks not soothing with food, I really noticed the effect when I finally gave in and did it! Well, awareness is progress, so I'll take this as a good thing.

Self-Hatred is a Sneaky Bastard

Last week’s People Magazine featured Portia de Rossi on the cover and excerpts from her new book where she discusses her battle with anorexia. Toward the end of the article, I came across this quote:

“I didn’t decide to become anorexic. It snuck up on me disguised as a healthy diet, a professional attitude. Every time I restricted my calorie intake I would binge immediately after. I lived my life from day to day by weighing myself, and measuring my success or failure solely on weight lost or gained – just as I had done from the time I was 12. I’d measured my accomplishments and my self-worth on that scale for my entire life.”

I may not be anorexic (far from it!), but I know what she's talking about. Like Ms. de Rossi, I didn’t intend to become so screwed up when it came to food. This battle with my weight has been motivated by a lot of different things. Sometimes it was about being liked or loved, sometimes about trying to feel beautiful, sometimes about being successful, and sometimes it was even about being “healthy.” It seemed harmless enough, and at times, even like something that I was doing to make my life better. But in my head, all of those things became contingent on fitting into what society says I should look like, contingent on the number on the size label in my pants. And all the while, the self-hatred was sneaking in. And every time I squeezed into an airline seat, or walked out of a store in the mall knowing that there wasn’t a thing in there that fit me, or read an article about how some celebrity was fat because they’d gained 20 pounds and were now a size 2 instead of a size 0, it planted another seed that told me that I wasn’t ok the way I am. And those seeds have taken root and grown until they’re out of control, like the weeds in the overgrown vacant lot in your neighborhood that lowers your property values and invites people from all over to dump their dirty old mattresses in the middle of the night.

I’ve got a lot of overgrown plants and dirty old mattresses piled up in my head. It’s going to take a lot of work to clean them out. But hey, you know, sometimes people take old vacant lots and turn them into beautiful parks and community gardens. So, I may have my doubts, but I have hope that it can be done with enough effort.

Progress = Therapy Honeymoon?

Despite very high levels of stress over the last two weeks, I've been doing quite well with eating. I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've eaten to the point of uncomfortable fullness. And, for the most part, I have only eaten when I was hungry. After feeling largely out of control over the last few months, I've felt very much in control for the last two weeks.

And somehow, that's kind of scary. Scary because it feels familiar. Because in the first couple weeks and occasionally even the first couple of months, I was almost always the model dieter. It was always so easy in those dieting honeymoon days. All the weighing and measuring and recording and what have you seemed effortless then. Until it didn't. And then I gradually started drifting back into old habits until I was right back to square one.

So, is this more of the same? Will I find myself, three months from today, complaining about how hard things are? Or will I be well on my way to IE success? I'm hoping it's the latter and not the former. But we'll see. For now, I'll just take pleasure in what's going well and not worry about what's coming tomorrow.

Your Stomach's Not Bigger Just Because You're REALLY Hungry

That should be obvious, right? And yet, amazingly, it wasn't. Not to me. This week, a long, exhausting day of work and a chain of events that was out of my control caused me to go too long without eating and ending up really hungry. No, we're talking REALLY hungry. I mean STAR - VING. Like, if you got between me and the food, I might have been forced to take you out, hungry.

And so, being tired and famished, I went out to eat and assumed it was fine for me to eat an entire bacon cheeseburger and serving of fries. I mean, I'm running on fumes. So surely a burger and fries would be the perfect amount to eat. Right?

Well, as I found out, the answer was wrong. Amazingly, I discovered that it really doesn't take that much more food to be satisfied when you're REALLY hungry than it does when you're merely just hungry. After wolfing down my burger and fries like I'd been lost in the woods for weeks, I could not believe how stuffed I was. Like uncomfortably full for hours! It was mind boggling. What's even more amazing to me is how many times in my life I've stuffed down not only a big old burger and fries, but also a huge soda, dessert, and sometimes even an appetizer, to boot. I'm starting to wonder if, aside from when I was dieting and starving myself, I've ever eaten a meal that wasn't way too large! No wonder I have a weight problem.

Well, I guess I'm glad for the realization. I think it's a sign of progress. Though, I have to admit that it's sort of annoying to recognize how little food it takes to be satisfied. Kind of seems like it will make eating out far less fun. But, then again, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable isn't all that much fun, if I'm honest. And I think that more often than not, that's the way the evening ends when I eat out. So, okay, it is a good thing.

Still Busy But Gaining Awareness

The breather was brief and life has regained it's former insane pace, which, unfortunately, is a regular occurrence for me. Still struggling with feeling fat and out of shape, which is not my imagination. I am heavier and am losing conditioning by the day as I spend longer hours in the office. But, on the positive side, I feel like I'm gaining more awareness each day. I'm more aware of when I've had enough to eat and more aware of when I'm hungry and when I'm not. Unfortunately, awareness is one thing and taking action is another, and that's definitely where I feel like I'm dropping the ball. The schedule is just too crazy. I feel like all I can do right now is try to keep my head above water at work. Intuitive eating always takes a back seat to the activities that bring home the bacon (pun intended!).

But the one positive action I have taken is that I have started working with a therapist. She specializes in eating disorders but also works with people like me who are just screwed up when it comes to food but don't have a full blown disorder. She also specializes in IE. Had my first session today and it went very well. I'm feeling very good about it and looking forward to seeing if she can help. She's already given me some steps to take in the coming week when I'm traveling once again for work and wants us to keep in touch by e-mail. I need a supportive resource that can talk me through the tough spots and give me concrete tools to use. Let's see how it goes....

And Now for Something Completely Different

Because it's not ALL about eating, thought I'd mention that I saw the movie Red this weekend and it was hysterical! I love an action movie and this fit the bill. Lots of good car chases and explosions and such. Even more though, I could relate to all the characters. If you haven't heard of it, the plot is that a bunch of retired CIA agents have to figure out who's trying to kill them and why. The cast includes Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, and Helen Mirren. I have to say, even bald, I find Bruce Willis kind of yummy and that sure didn't hurt the film, either. But for most of the movie I was sitting there going, how old IS Bruce Willis? I think we're about the same age, and he's supposed to be retired?? Geez, does that mean I'm old? Well, at least they were all kicking some ass (yay for the mature set!).

If you're looking for a fun way to kill a few hours, stop by your multiplex and see Red. Definitely worth the price of admission.

Weekend at a Geneen Roth Workshop aka Awareness Is a Bitch

Spent the weekend in Seattle at a Geneen Roth workshop. It was very worthwhile. There’s far too much in her work to cover in a day and a half workshop, so obviously, she had to pick and choose what would be covered. She focused on having us figure out what we really wanted, how food has helped us, dealing with “the voice,” and finally, she touched on the food guidelines. It was all just way too fast and barely scratched the surface, but I still got a lot out of it. I know her approach doesn’t work for everyone, a little too new age-y and light on the implementation details, I’ve seen many say. But for me, she’s right on track. There was very little that I couldn’t relate to during this session (which was fairly impressive – 850 women in a big hotel conference room!). But I did have a couple of real light bulb moments.

The first was during a guided visualization she had us do on the second day. It involved visualizing a buffet table filled with foods you desire and deciding what to eat and then imagining how you feel about it. The interesting thing for me is that I actually couldn’t visualize the table. Why? I have NO idea what foods I desire. I know what I’m “supposed” to eat because it’s healthy or low calorie or whatever. I know what things I want to eat because they are “bad” or forbidden. And I know that more often than not, I don’t enjoy those things half as much as I think I will once I get them. And sometimes I don’t enjoy them at all. But I don’t have a clue what I really truly enjoy and desire. I could not picture a single food item on the table. And as a result, my mind kind of wandered and I actually dozed off. I suppose my brain was like “well, there’s nothing going on here, may as well take a little nap!”

The second was a dawning realization about how much resentment I hold and how numb I have become. It’s easy to say I didn’t have a traumatic childhood, I didn’t suffer abuse or tragedy or whatever, so I have no reason to be an emotional eater. I have no right to be screwed up. And yet, I am, really. Without going into too much detail, I will say that I recognize the level of disappointment I’ve felt in my lifetime, and I realize how I’ve basically closed myself off to protect myself from feeling anymore. And that distances me from others. But every time I try to venture out and dip my toe in and test the waters, it seems like I am disappointed again, and so I retreat even deeper. And I turn my feelings down another notch. Food is not necessarily a comfort to me, but it is a distraction. Don’t want to do something? Have a snack. Don’t want to feel something? Have a snack. Don’t want to be disappointed? Distract yourself from having any desires or expectations or feelings about anything or anyone by eating. I suppose the only blessing is that it’s not my only distraction. Otherwise I might well weigh 1,000 pounds. But there you have it.

Now the hard part. Figuring out what to do with that realization. Realistically, I don’t know that there’s much I can do to stop the people in my life from disappointing me. So, I have to figure out how to be okay with it without closing myself off to people and experiences that might not disappoint me. Well, I guess that’s what this year is all about.

For now, though, I guess I should be glad for what bubbled up during the workshop. It’s not exactly what I expected and not the happiest realization, but it’s progress and that’s how we get from A to B.

God Bless You, Lane Bryant; I Hate You.

Let’s be clear from the start. Were it not for Lane Bryant, I probably would have spent the better part of the last twenty years looking even worse than I usually do, or god forbid, walking around naked. I have to give LB some props for being one of the few retailers that even dares to cater to the plus-size market. Though I have never, ever, understood why, if 60% of the population is overweight or obese, so few retailers sell clothes that fit us. In a capitalist system, it seems like a no-brainer, like a cash cow that no one has bothered to milk. Seriously, if that statistic is correct, then why is it that when I go to the mall, there are, at best, only three or four stores that stock anything I can wear? It doesn’t make sense! But okay, whatever, let’s move on,

Back to LB. So, I give LB props for serving an incredibly underserved market. They’ve got to be raking in cash hand over foot. I’ve rarely met a fellow plus-size gal that didn’t shop there regularly. And bless their hearts, they do seem to try. They try to latch on to whatever the current trends are make their own plus-size versions. And they do try to keep things relatively affordable. Those are all good things.

But here’s why I hate them.

The fit sucks. Seriously, in over twenty years, I think I can count the number of pants I've bought at LB that fit me properly on the fingers of one hand. They’re almost always too short and I’m sick of walking around looking like I’m waiting for a flood. I mean, thanks for realizing that not all big girls are under 5' 6" and starting to offer some of the pants in different lengths, but why so few? You’ve recognized there’s a market for tall, plus-size pants. Do you really think that we big and tall girls only need three different styles of those pants? Why is it so hard to make all your pants in different lengths? Then there are the ones that gape around the waist, showing off my undies. Again, you made an effort with the dress slacks that come in different cuts for those that are more or less curvy, and that’s great, but why only a couple of styles? Why? Shirts are a little better, but I find that many are either uncomfortably and unflatteringly snug or so loose they look sloppy. And what's the deal with the sleeves on your oxford shirts? Why do the cuffs never reach my wrists? Maybe it's me. Maybe I have freakishly long arms and no one's ever had the heart to tell me. Who knows?

There are all different body shapes, I know, even for skinny women. And not every brand fits every person. I get that. But here’s the difference. If the clothes at one retailer don’t fit my size 4 friends, they can go into any of a couple hundred other retailers in the mall and try again and they’re probably going to find something cute that fits their shape. For us big girls, if the styles at one store don’t fit you, you’ll be lucky if you have two other places you can try in an entire mall. And if there are other options, chances are, they cater to an entirely different market. No suits at LB that fit you? Well, try Nordstrom’s, if you want to spend three to four times the price and look like your grandmother or Torrid if you’re a little more cost conscious, but don’t mind looking like a 15 year-old club kid. Sure, I suppose I should get stuff tailored to fit, but man, tailoring is expensive!! Kind of defeats the purpose of buying affordable clothes if I have to turn around and pay $40+ to a seamstress to make them fit. In some instances, the alterations are more than the cost of the actual item! May as well just buy higher end clothes.

Then there’s the quality. I appreciate you trying to make the clothes affordable, but it’s rare that anything I buy at LB doesn’t start breaking down and looking frumpy and worn within a couple of months, no matter how well I care for them. And what’s the deal with the sweaters? Why do they always shrink even when they’re washed in cold water with Woolite and never see the inside of a drier? After a couple of washings, inevitably, I’ve got a belly sweater with ¾ sleeves! (And let’s not even talk about the faded, fuzzing fabrics) Not attractive, LB. Not attractive. Maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist, but is this just a ploy to get us to shop more often? Or are the clothes really that cheaply constructed? And why don’t the clothes my thin friends buy at comparably priced chains seem to wear out as quickly?

And finally, there are the styles. I know you’re trying. I do. You’re trying to make big girl versions of the hottest trends. But really, why must everything look like circus print mumus? Believe it or not, not every fat woman wants crazy bold patterns, billowing, oversized shirts, big ruffles, and jewelry with beads the size of golf balls. Not every fat girl wants to have a “bold” style. Some of us just want the same sort of timeless classics that our thin sisters can find at stores like Banana Republic or Ann Taylor or J. Crew (all of which leave you SOL if you’re larger than a size 14 or 16). Whatever happened to simple classics? Tasteful slacks in wools, tweeds, cottons and linens. The basic, all purpose white button-down shirts that can be dressed up or down. Solid colored sweaters, both pullovers and cardigans, in high quality wools that are tempting to touch. Blazers that actually fit and don’t make me look like a huge, shapeless box. Yeah, I like to mix it up with the occasional bold piece, don’t get me wrong. But my style (and this would be the case whether I was a size 20 or a size 2) is much more classic, quiet, simple, and above all, well-made. And there’s a real shortage of that in the plus-size world.

All, right, I’m beating up on LB, but only because they’re the most obvious offender. I mean, at least they are an actual store that isn’t afraid to say they cater to big girls. Heck, there are a number of retailers that do offer plus-size clothes, but not in their actual stores, as if having fat people on the premises is bad business (Yeah, I’m talking to YOU, Gap, Old Navy, and J. Jill. And the rest of you know who you are!) Truth is, I could lodge these complaints against just about any of the plus-size retailers, regardless of how much I spend on the item. No matter where I go, I always get the feeling that the retailers think that we should be grateful they make anything we can wear at all, so I should just shut up and be grateful for what I can get.

But you do yourselves a disservice, LB and friends. Because yes, you do get me to spend money in your stores. After all, it’s not like I have that many options. But imagine how much more I would spend if you actually consistently put out a quality product. But because I’m busy, and I pretty much hate having to go through the agony of shopping and ending up with stuff that feels like sloppy leftovers, I do it as infrequently as humanly possible. But I love fashion, or at least I used to before it abandoned me, and I’d buy so much more if someone would actually put out a quality product that actually fit me and that didn’t cost a fortune, look like a costume, look like it came from a thrift shop, or fall apart after three wears. There’s a seriously untapped market here, why in the world won’t someone step in and fill it? And how's a girl supposed to learn to love her body as it is in order to facilitate her intuitive eating, if she can't find a decent outfit to wear that makes her feel like she actually looks presentable?

I Feel Fat

I know that among the IE experts, saying that you feel fat is somewhat verboten, because fat is not an emotion. Not something you are capable of feeling. Rather, it's a sign of whatever else is really the issue, they say, whether that's low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, or whatever. And I will admit that sometimes - maybe even most of the time - when I say I feel fat, it's not about weight at all. It's about everything but the number on the scale. But today, that's not the case. And today, I'm going to disagree with the experts. Because today I feel fat. What does that mean? Well, it means that I feel:

• Bloated
• Slow
• Lethargic
• Completely out of shape
• Like my colon hasn't seen a lick of fiber or a food that wasn't highly processed, deep fried, fat or sugar-filled in weeks
• That my clothes are becoming tighter
• That I get winded when I climb the stairs

In short, I feel fat means that I feel as if I have gained weight and lost a significant amount of conditioning. Whether I am the most accomplished, well-adjusted, self-confident person on the planet, that's real. That's valid. And that's where I am these days.

It's to be expected after the month I've had, really. If you've read Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch and read the descriptions of the types of eaters, you could completely delete the section on the Chaotic Unconscious Eater and just put a picture of me there. So, I'm not surprised. It's just annoying to feel so out of control, and to feel the effects in my body so keenly.

The good news, though, is that with a less chaotic schedule, I feel like I'm getting back on track. Had sessions with my personal trainer this week for the first time in weeks. Thought I was going to cry because I was so exhausted and out of shape, but I survived. Today, was the first time that I actually felt like I was starting to reconnect with eating in response to hunger and eating nutritious foods my body actually wants, instead of the easy stuff that makes me feel so awful. So, I feel like I'm back on the right path, and that hopefully the next couple of months will stay calm enough to allow me to make some of these behaviors a bit more habitual. So, that's positive. But I don't care what the experts say, today I believe that you can FEEL fat. Because I do.

September Sucked; I'm Glad It's Over

It was a hard month, full of personnel issues, travel, a nagging cold, and long, long, long hours. Don't think I had more than one day in a row off all month long. But work has finally reached a point where I can come up for air. Thank god.

So, welcome October. I'm ready to give myself some TLC and re-focus on IE. Starting off with a Geneen Roth workshop next weekend in Seattle, which I'm really looking forward to. Hopefully, I'll get a few months of relative calm before the next work cyclone. But for now, I'll just cherish the downtime while it lasts. Thanks for sticking with me folks. Hopefully I'll be back on track this month with a lot more posts.

At What Point Is the Stress Too Much?

A highly stressful job plays a huge role in many of the challenges I face, including eating and weight. There are many many things about my job that leave me completely depleted in more ways than one at the end of a crazy week. A highly demanding and perfectionist boss, inflexible deadlines that must be met no matter what, insane workloads, long hours, and frequent travel, are just a few. At the end of many days, even though I know it would make me feel better, the idea of exercising and cooking a healthy meal is the absolute last thing I care about. Collapsing in a coma on the sofa with whatever is easy and just tuning out the world is all I can manage. Unfortunately, that's not so good for either my health or my lacking social life.

But, there are also a lot of positives about my job. As a management group, we are very supportive of each other. We laugh all the time, though it's often in a if you don't laugh you'll cry sort of way. But still, there's a real camaraderie between us that helps you get out of bed each day. I'm well paid for what I do and I have excellent benefits, much better than I've seen at many other companies. And in very uncertain economic times, though there's no such thing as a sure thing, I've got about as close to job security as a person can have. Having grown up in a household where financial security was non-existent, this is probably one of the key drivers for me. I don't need to be wealthy. I don't need to show off with fancy clothes or cars or big houses, but I need to know where my next paycheck is coming from. I need to have enough money in the bank so that if my car breaks down, I don't have to worry about how it's going to get fixed. I need to have enough for the occasional splurge, like a massage or a pedicure. I need to not be afraid to answer the phone or open the mail because it might be another bill collector. I need that more than I need just about anything else because there's no safety net. No spouse that can take care of things for a while, no parents or grandparents that can help out if I get in a bind. No one can look out for me, but me. So I can't let my guard down for a second. This job affords me that financial security that is SO important to me and for that I am very grateful.

But, I do find myself asking more and more in recent years at what point I should say enough is enough. When is the stress of this lifestyle no longer worth the price? That I don't know. Because true, money's not everything, but good health insurance and not having to angst over every nickel and dime is pretty close to everything for me. Because I've been there and I'm not going back. If I could figure out a way to have the security this job brings without the stress, I'd be there in a heart beat. I just can't figure that out right now. And, there are changes coming about in my company over the next year that may well result in tremendous changes for me. Too early to know whether those changes will be for the better or for the worse, but I'm hanging in there to see what happens.

What I really need to do in the meantime is just figure out how to manage stress that's not going to go away anytime soon. Sure, there are things like yoga, and meditation, and eating better and taking good care of myself, blah blah blah. But seriously, there just aren't enough hours in the day. I don't know how to fit it all in. The pace also makes it really hard to be mindful when I eat, and that has been a struggle, too. Because sometimes I do actually think about it and I'm too exhausted to care. Other times, I realize days have gone by and I haven't given the slightest thought to what or how I've eaten. I've just been on autopilot.

In the grand scheme of things, these are not bad problems to have. I'm not losing my house to foreclosure, I haven't lost my job, I don't have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, I'm not trapped beneath the rubble of a devastating earthquake, I'm not dodging bullets or car bombs. There are so many things in the world that are worse than having a well-paying but stressful job. I really have no right to complain. Still, I need to learn how to manage things. Because there's no point in having so many blessings if you can't even enjoy them.

September's Gonna Be a Busy One

Real life is taking over somewhat this month. Hectic hectic hectic time at work. Managing personnel issues amongst my staff (all I will say about this is the things you learn about people when you manage them! I'd be better off not knowing these things!), plus we are being audited at the end of the month and my bonus this year depends on us getting a good result. So needless to say, I'm putting in some long hours these days. Well, longer than usual, and that's saying something for a workaholic!

From an IE standpoint, the hardest part is just trying to focus on it at all. It's SO easy to just let the events of the day take over and to find that another day has come to an end and I haven't spent even a moment thinking about IE! On the plus side, I'm not eating excessively. Well, not excessively in the sense that I'm bingeing or eating tons of junk food or snacking incessantly. I seem to be pretty much sticking to the three squares these days (sometimes two). But each meal is still bigger than it should be. But I'm just trying to get through the month these days and fit in some of my reading when I can and not obsess about shoulds and shouldn'ts. Will continue to post as I can. Hopefully you'll bear with me!

On an unrelated note, here's my realization for August: I don't like fresh figs. Dried figs? Good. Fresh figs? Bleh. It's not a flavor thing; it's a texture thing. Shame, really, because they're awfully pretty. But I just can't do 'em. But that's a fresh realization courtesy of my fabulous local farmers market. Only wish I'd realized it before I shelled out $6 for a pint of local, organic figs, most of which, unfortunately, ended up in the bin. Oh, well. Live and learn.

August Update: A Roller Coaster and A Light Bulb

A challenging month this time. Have been up and down and all around the roller coaster. Days of feeling inexplicably great followed by several weeks of feeling not so great. Have been resistant to working the steps. Not particularly wanting to either journal or even question whether I’m hungry, let alone satisfied when eating. After work, have been chomping down on crunchy snacks with a vengeance, and I don’t doubt there’s some significance in that choice of foods. Work (without a doubt one of the biggest pressures in my life) has been a challenge in many ways that are probably best not to go into in too much detail. But the one thing I can fairly safely say is that it and has, without question, been a major contributor to my generally foul mood over the last couple of weeks. But the long and short of it is that work can trigger intense feelings of failure in me that end up turning into a doorway to brooding over everything in my life that isn’t what I want it to be. Not fun. To top it off, I’m up four pounds from when I started IE. Argh.

But while reading Christie’s great book club discussion on Chapter 3 of Women, Food and God over at Honoring Health, I had something of a revelation. I’m not sure that all of it was new, but pieces came together with a crystal clarity that I’m not sure I’d experienced before. In the discussion of this chapter of the book, which deals with bolting to avoid having to feel your feelings, Christie asked two questions that resonated with me, first was “what emotions are you afraid of feeling,” and second was “did your childhood or parents play a role in how you feel about using your voice now?” In pondering these, I realized that there are times that I feel profoundly lonely and that I hadn’t really been willing to face or feel that before. And the major factor in that loneliness is the lack of people in my life from childhood to this very day that are open to me expressing or sharing my feelings. As a result, I’ve become very reluctant to be open with others because I have experienced so much disappointment in this area.

There’s more to the story, here, but I’ve rambled on enough for tonight, so I’ll expand on this on another day. But I think that the realization is progress and I’ll take that. And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t say my mood is back to 100%, but I am feeling better than I was. So I’ll take that, too.

Taming My Inner 5-Year-Old

In recent years while dieting, I often used the analogy that my inability to stick to plan was like a willful 5-year-old throwing a tantrum. I told myself that I needed to discipline that five year old and “force” her to just behave and stick to the rules. I’d berate myself and try to just white knuckle my way through whatever it was I was struggling with, but it rarely worked. And really, should that have been a surprise? I’m not a parent, but I’ve got enough nieces and nephews and godchildren that I know that bullying a 5-year-old is rarely an effective way to get her to do anything, at all.

Today, out of curiosity, I checked out the Supernanny website to see what England’s most famous nanny recommends for children throwing tantrums. The first thing I discovered is that the Supernanny website is apparently run by a bunch of different “experts” and apparently has no little input from the actual Supernanny. But those quibbles aside, here’s what the experts said about tantrums.

Causes of tantrums:

• Frustration
• Hunger or tiredness
• Wanting something the child can’t have
• Wanting independence
• Over stimulation
• Attention seeking
• Emotional overload

Hmmm, these all sound pretty darn familiar. Diets frustrating? What, all the time spent preparing calorically perfect meals, figuring out what I can and can’t eat, and following the long lists of dos and don’ts? How could that be frustrating? Hunger? Yeah, when wasn’t I hungry when I was dieting? Tiredness? How could I not be tired when I was starving all the time? I had no nutrition for energy! Wanting something I couldn’t have? Yeah, food!! Wanting independence? Who wouldn’t want independence from all those rules? Over stimulation? Well, let’s see, read this book, log this food here, do this exercise at this time and log that and calculate the calories burned to figure out how much I can eat and figure out the exact calorie count of everything that passes my lips and get enough sleep and drink 10 glasses of water a day and eat 5 fruits and veggies, but don’t eat too much fat salt, sugar, or anything white, but blah, blah, blah. No, that’s not over stimulating at all. Attention seeking? Well, an invisible fat person would never want attention, would she? And finally, emotional overload? Yeah, if I’m stuffing down my feelings with food while also constantly telling myself how fat, disgusting, and undisciplined I am, there is probably a bit of emotional overload going on there.

Seems like the question here is how could my inner 5-year-old NOT be throwing a tantrum when I’m on a diet?

So, what does Supernanny (or her minions) have to say about solving tantrums? Well, there were a handful of tips, but here are the ones that particularly struck me:

Solve the problem before behavior deteriorates. Yeah, dealing with the emotions before I start stuffing my face with food to quiet them might just be a bit more helpful, on many different fronts.

Offer choices. Choices are nice. I’ve always been a tad rebellious. The minute you impose a boatload of rules on me, the minute I want to do the exact opposite. Having choices about what *I* want and what *I* need and not just blindly following what some “expert” dictates, might make me more amenable to engaging in healthy behaviors.

Use positive words. Big one here. No 5-year-old ever flourished by being told how terrible she was. Treating that 5-year-old with kindness and respect even when she’s melting down is probably more effective than screaming at her and threatening her with punishment. And truth be told, while that kind of treatment may have resulted in compliance for a short period, each time my 5-year-old just came back angrier and more defiant than before. So, that apparently doesn’t work too well with anyone.

So what’s the lesson here? Treat your inner 5-year-old just like you would a real live one, and you’ll probably be a lot more successful all the way around. I’m going to give it a try. My inner 5-year-old is smiling at me right now.

Dumping the Diet Books

Yes, friends, it's time. Time to dump the diet books that is. Well, actually, time to donate them to charity. Seems a shame to inflict them on anyone else. I hate to think of some other poor woman (or man) inflicting the same kind of body hatred on themselves that I did when I was following any one of these. But that's my hang up. Someone else may be grateful to find the book they've been looking for at a discount.

So here's the roll call of misery:

1. Body for Life
2. Body for Life for Women
3. Champions Body for Life
4. Eating for Life - the Body for Life cookbook, because the fact that three of the actual diet plan books didn't work for me made me go, if only I had the recipes, that'd make the difference!
5. 100 Days of Weight Loss - It's "the Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan." Yeah, that worked out well.
6. The Dish: On Eating Healthy and Being Fabulous - Autographed copy! Woo hoo!
7. The Great American Detox Diet - By the wife of Morgan Spurlock, the guy who did the film Supersize Me. Great film. But the vegan diet of punishment, not so much for me.
8. The Eat-Clean Diet
9. Flip the Switch - which instructs you, like many books, to lose the excuses and lose the weight! Because I can work full time while putting myself through graduate school, but clearly I'm weak-willed and undisciplined!
10. Ultra-Metabolism - The simple plan for automatic weight loss. Uh huh, that sure whipped my metabolism into shape. Not!
11. The Raw Food Revolution Diet
12. Raw Food Life Force Energy - All I can say about these books is that any person who can do raw food 24/7 is a far better person than I am. Go with god; you officially have a will of steel!
13. French Women Don't Get Fat - Punish yourself in a continental fashion!
14. The Way to Eat - Aren't they all sold as the way to eat?
15. Tired of Being Tired - because apparently, we're all fat because we have adrenal glands that are burned out.
16. Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy
17. Shape Your Life - from the editors of Shape magazine!
18. The Business Plan for the Body - Run your body like a CEO and be a size 2!
19. Marilu Henner's Total Health Makeover - because who else would I look to for the secret of health besides a washed up actress?
20. Our Lady of Weight Loss - Billed as "miraculous and motivational musings from the Patron Saint of Permanent Fat removal." Humorous, perhaps, but also kind of confusing. Guess I figured that if I could be wackier that I'd be thinner??
21. The Volumetrics Eating Plan - fill up on watery foods and finally be skinny! Actually, not all that bad as diets, go, but still wasn't any more successful for me than anything else.

It's a pretty good sized pile, when you look at it. Sad thing is, I'm actually surprised it's not bigger. But I've given away other books in the past. So, it's by no means representative of all the diets I've ever followed. More like all the diets I've followed over the last year (excluding online and self-created diet!). Some of them were wackier than others. Some actually had good information about healthy foods that I've learned from. But the common theme of all of them (for me, anyway) is that they represent the idea that I can't trust myself to eat in a way that is best for my body. That I need some "expert" to tell me how to eat, otherwise I'll be fat forever. I still don't know where IE is going to take me. But wherever it is, it hardly seems like it can be a place that makes me more miserable than I was while following every single one of these diet plans. It'll be interesting to see what I think about this post a year from now and whether or not I think that statement is true.

Feeling Good for No Particular Reason

Just one of those weird days when I feel good and there's no particular reason why. Even stepped on the scale this morning and found out I was five pounds heavier than when I started IE and it didn't phase me a bit. Besides, I'm sure it's at least partly attributable to all the salt I consumed this weekend at my cooking class. I will say that I discovered why prepared food is so full of sodium. No matter how much salt I added, the instructor would toss in a bunch more and stuff never tasted salty, it just tasted better. Salt makes everything taste amazing!

Anyway, it was a crazy day at work. My to do list never gets smaller, only gets longer. But for some reason, I just felt good today. I even went to the gym after work voluntarily and not grudgingly. That never happens! (And found a parking space just down the block without having to circle endlessly. That never happens, either!). The good mood fairies have blessed me today. I have no idea why, but it doesn't matter. I'll just be glad for it. Can't say that it happens all that often.

Cooking Class - Day Two

Another fun (and tiring!) day in cooking class. Today we continued cooking and the dishes were a bit more complex than the day before as we had more time since we didn’t start at the farmers market. I made a Mexican pork and tomatillo stew. It was a lot of work. It took about two and a half hours from start to finish, but I think it wouldn’t have taken so long on my own. Part of it was working in a strange kitchen and working around all the others. But it was all really fun and ultimately very tasty!

And it was a great group. This is the second class I’ve taken at this school and there’s something about getting people together to cook that really breaks down barriers and bonds you. There were a lot of laughs. And the best part is that at the end of each day, you get to taste everything that everyone made. For a bunch of novices, we did really good work.

My masterpiece! Pork & tomatillo stew with purslane and cilantro. Yum!

After hours of cooking, everyone gets to feast on the bounty!

A sample of everything everyone made. This isn't intuitive eating, but it sure was tasty and that's okay!

All in all, it was a really great day. And I'll take that!

Eating In Line With My Values

I’m one of those left coast liberals who shops at Whole Foods, thinks Alice Waters and Michael Pollan are virtual deities when it comes to all things food, and who really, truly believes that organic, free range, wild, and grass-fed tastes better and is better for you. This isn’t to say that I don’t think the occasional guilty pleasure of a fast food meal has its place, but I do think that there’s far too much of it and too little of the healthy stuff on most of our tables.

But here’s the thing, since starting IE, I’ve been in such a rebellious mode. I’ve virtually abandoned my values when it comes to eating. If it’s quick, crappy, and full of empty calories, I’ve been stuffing it in my mouth. Seems I’ve been rebelling not only against diets but also against my own values about what constitutes good food.

Well, this weekend I’m taking a cooking class that’s all about cooking with produce from the farmers market and it’s reminding me of those values that have fallen by the wayside as of late. One of the things about living in California is that it’s really easy to take for granted how lucky we are when it comes to the year-round availability of amazing produce. Farmers markets are prolific in the Bay Area and San Francisco has one of the best in the country, if not the world. I occasionally venture to the farmers markets near my house if I can manage to rouse myself out of bed in time, and those little markets are perfectly good. But the San Francisco Ferry Plaza farmers market is in an entirely different league and I didn’t fully appreciate that until today.

My class started at the Ferry Plaza farmers market and we spent three hours shopping for all the ingredients that we would be cooking over our two-day class. The instructor talked about the different kinds of produce, how to pick and store it, and also had many of the vendors talk to us about the products. I’m a fairly adventurous eater, thankfully. There are definitely things I don’t like, but there aren’t many things I won’t at least try. One of the most amazing things about the class today is that both at the market and later at the class, I kept trying things that I have never cared for and found many that tasted absolutely amazing!

The pluots, which I actually do like, tasted so amazing they almost made me cry. If I could have, I would have bought a bushel of the peaches, which I don’t usually care for all that much. The blue cheese and eggplant, two things that I’ve never liked, were a revelation! In the class, I made a roasted yellow bell pepper soup, which I was certain I would hate, and I almost licked the bowl clean! Seriously, anyone who thinks that conventional produce is just as good as the fresh in-season stuff at the farmers market, is fooling himself. Even Whole Foods, which I love dearly, rarely has stuff that tastes as awesome as everything I tried today. I only wish everyone had access to such beautiful and delicious bounty. I don’t think it’s possible to be a fruit and veggie hater if you could have tasted the stuff I did today.

But that’s not all; the variety of other kinds of vendors at the market was truly impressive. All manner of seafood, meats, cheeses and other dairy products, and baked goods were being sold right alongside the produce. I really could have done almost all my shopping for the week at this market. It sort of made me embarrassed that I have this amazing resource right on my doorstep and that I don’t take advantage of it. Shame on me.

I’m not certain how long this desire to keep eating crappy foods is going to last. I have the feeling that I haven’t quite seen the last of it. But this class has at least revived my desire to eat more of the good stuff and to actually cook it myself (something else that I’ve been avoiding lately). And that’s a very good thing.

How Long Should It Take To Start Getting It?

In the two and a half months since I recommitted to IE, there have been many things I’ve enjoyed about following this path. Chief among them is eating whatever I want without a feeling of guilt. Okay, well, it hasn’t been completely guilt free, but I’m definitely eating with less guilt than I was in the preceding years when I was always either on a diet or feeling guilty because I should have been on a diet but wasn’t. So that’s a positive thing. No argument there.

But there are parts of this that still aren’t coming to me. I’m still struggling quite a bit with stopping when satisfied. And lately, I’m having more trouble with eating when hungry. Partly dictated by my work schedule, but often of my own doing, I’ve reverted to eating by the clock. Because it’s lunch time! Or, last week, when I was traveling on business, because I was in a hotel that had limited room service offerings and it was easier to go out and eat with my colleagues so I could get back to my room to get some work done (and also because I needed a break after a really long day), than it was to go to my room, hang out, and eat later when hunger actually hit me.

Compounding it all, I caved and stepped on the scale this morning and was up almost three pounds. Now, having been a person who previously weighed three times per day, I know that my weight can fluctuate by three pounds within the course of a day, so that’s not necessarily an indication that things are going to hell in a hand basket. But I worry that it’s the start of a slow creep upward and that a year from now I will be 30 pounds heavier instead of lighter. I worry that I’m not giving this the full effort that I should, that I’m making excuses. I worry that my brain keeps saying work the steps but that my hand is in the bag of chips without a second thought (or any thought) when there has been nothing particularly upsetting or frustrating about my day that should drive me to emotional eating. And I worry that I see myself doing this and I simply have no desire to stop and figure out what is driving me to it. What is this resistance? And if I can’t get myself to stop and figure out what it’s about, how am I ever going to get the hang of IE? And what’s to keep me from being fatter this time next year? So how long should it take for me to be able to get to that point where I can stop myself and start to figure this stuff out? I wish I knew.

Argh. This is a frustrating moment. One of many, probably, but that doesn’t make it any better.

My Experience With Intuitive Eating - Part II

My second IE experience was intentional. About 12 years ago, I bought the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch and began putting the principles to work. I was actually making slow but steady progress, and even losing weight, and I remember feeling really good. But for some reason that I can’t remember, I stopped. Knowing myself, I’m fairly certain that it wasn’t working fast enough and I decided to try some diet that promised I’d lose 30 pounds in a week without any effort. Also, that was a time in my life when I was not at all happy (living in a city I hated, no friends, working at a job I hated even more than the city), so I may have just fallen into emotional eating and never looked back. And so the book got packed into a box and tucked away and I went back to the dieting rollercoaster and forgot all about intuitive eating until just this year.

But I do remember how good and how natural it felt to eat this way. And I remember that it actually felt fairly easy, even though it was a slow process. I wish I could say that it felt as easy this time. While I'm definitely appreciating the freedom that not considering any food forbidden brings, I'm struggling with stopping when satisfied in a way I don't remember doing before. Don't know if my memory is just not that great or an additional decade worth of baggage has made the struggle that much more difficult. As a result, I am worried about being able to reach a weight that I’m really comfortable at. And that is probably my biggest fear with regard to IE. I want to make peace with my body, but if that means that I’ll be at this weight forever, then I'm not sure this will work for me. Because I don’t think I can be happy at this weight. I really don’t. But, for now, I'm putting that fear aside, because I have one full year to devote to this and I'm going to see where it takes me. And who knows, in a year from now, maybe my head will be in a different place, even if my body isn't. And a little peace of mind isn't a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination.

My Experience With Intuitive Eating - Part I

This isn’t my first try at intuitive eating. I’ve actually tried it twice before, once intentionally and once unintentionally. Both times were positive, but I ultimately reverted to emotional eating and the dieting mentality.

My first stab and IE was unintentional. I was a French major in college and spent a semester studying in Paris during my junior year. I arrived in the City of Lights as a chubby 20-year-old, but came home the thinnest I’ve ever been as an adult. I didn't realize it - didn't even know what intuitive eating was - but France was all about intuitive eating. At that time, there were no “diet” foods. Saccharine and aspartame were banned so you couldn’t even get a diet soda! You just ate real foods in reasonable portions and walked everywhere you went. I was nowhere near the size of all those svelte Parisiennes, but I was eating sanely and not obsessing about food or diet. More importantly, I was just having fun. And gradually, without even realizing it was happening, I got thinner. I’m sure I would have lost even more weight if I’d spent an entire year there instead of just a semester.

As an interesting aside, I went back to Paris two years ago for the first time since that college experience and they’re not the same French they were when I was there as a girl. While they’ve surely got a long way to go to catch up with the Americans, I saw chubby people every single day that I was there; that was unheard of 20 years ago. This time, I was shocked to see that candy and soda machines were everywhere, including on the platform of every subway station. Twenty years ago, you could have died of starvation before you’d find a candy machine! This time, fast food abounded and I saw people walking around eating. Again, unheard of two decades ago. Back then, people didn’t snack and they ate proper sit-down meals with their families; they didn’t snarf a sandwich on the run. But also just as interestingly, diet products were not hard to find on this trip. The French may not have liked saccharine or aspartame, but splenda is apparently just fine because it was everywhere, as was Diet Coke. And a stroll through the grocery store found as much junk food, as many frozen meals, and almost as many diet products as you’d see in any American store. Apparently, a lot of French people no longer have the time or desire to cook or sit down to enjoy a proper meal anymore either and oddly, they're starting to have a weight problem. Is there a connection, you think? Hmmm... Even more sadly, it seems that we’re spreading our bad habits around the globe, and it shows. Go U.S.A.!

Well, that was my first inadvertent experience with IE. The next time was a purposeful experience. More on that in days to come.

How'd It Go? July Update.

So it’s the end of the first full month of my one-year IE experiment. And the verdict so far? Pretty good, if I do say so myself.

What Went Well

• Scale Free Challenge. Accomplished. Woo Hoo! Went the entire month of July without stepping on the scale even one time. There were days when the urge to weigh was almost overwhelming. But for the most part, without the daily obsession of whether the dial went up or down, I felt calmer. I did weigh this morning, just to see if I’d done any damage and my weight is unchanged. It would have been nice if I’d lost some, but I’ll take unchanged. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty darn happy with unchanged. It does go to show that left to my own devices, I won’t binge myself into oblivion.

• I’m snacking less. I rarely troll for afternoon snacks in the vending machines in my office at 4:00, which had become something of a habit prior to IE.

• Grocery shopping is a joy. I can focus now on what I want and not on calories to tell me if something is allowed. I had the best time at the grocery store yesterday strolling the aisles without guilt and thinking about what I really wanted to eat, not just what was “ok” to eat. Oddly, I find I’m actually buying fewer groceries now than I was pre-IE. That’s because I know that I’m actually eating less (volume-wise), overall. So, I try to buy only what I know I’m going to eat during the week. Before, I was buying tons of things that I was “supposed” to have. And I either ended up eating stuff I didn’t particularly want or like, or just as often, things languished in the fridge until they looked like a science experiment then went in the bin. Now, I buy what I want, and I actually eat it. It’s so much simpler.

What I’m Still Working On

• Stopping when satisfied. The leave one bite challenge has been a dismal failure. I’m still just not able to stop if there’s something good on my plate. I’m managing by trying to take small portions whenever I can, so that I don’t have to stop. But this one definitely needs more work.

• Ready to focus more on nutrition. This month was really about eating what I wanted, even if it wasn’t in excessive portions. But I’ve paid little attention to things like making sure I’m getting adequate fruits, veggies, whole grains, etc. And I feel it. I like the guilt-free aspect of eating what I like, but I’m ready to mix the stuff I want with a bit more of the stuff I need.

• Need to dedicate more time to practicing IE principles. I’m working my way through a number of books on IE and there are many great ideas and things I’d like to work on that I think will help me grasp the principles more easily or quickly. Things like a mindfulness practice, meditation, making sure I pause mid-meal to assess my fullness level (even if I’m not ready to stop eating), etc. So many of my behaviors are hardwired that it’s easy to slip into autopilot and not do the things I want and need to do. In August, I’d like to make sure I’m purposely setting time aside to do the things I know I need to do to be successful at this.

So, I’m pretty happy with month one. I know I still have a long ways to go. But I feel good and calm and actually pretty pleased with myself. After a solid year of frustration trying to diet unsuccessfully (and far too many years on the diet rollercoaster before that), I’m ready to call July a victory. On to August!